


Ranma's Sudden Wedding

by Tritan



Category: Ranma 1/2
Genre: Alternate Universe, Multi, Polygamy, Porn With Plot, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-30
Updated: 2018-05-15
Packaged: 2019-03-11 16:25:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 25,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13528077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tritan/pseuds/Tritan
Summary: Early on, Ranma's life takes an unexpected and non-linear turn. Now he is living his life in a world similar, but different to his own, in a timeline that's convoluted at best.





	1. Waking up on your Wedding Day!?

**Author's Note:**

> This story is not entirely written by me.
> 
> It's posted up on the "Unending BE Addventure" Which, if you haven't heard of it, is a online Round Robin site, where people can post story snippets and other people can write continuations of them. This particular "Addventure" is on a fetish fiction site. And, well, this story is going to have porn in it if you couldn't tell.
> 
> As such, a decent sized chunk of the story are written by another, Lumitiel. I have his permission to post the parts he wrote. Here is a link to his blog, which contains his Addventure posts: http://lumitiel.blogspot.com/

The last thing Ranma remembered before waking up was being whacked on head with a table by Akane.  
  
OK, maybe the whole “I’m better built to boot” line was a bit much. But come on! She had called him a pervert after that complete accident. And after offering to be friends!  
  
But now he found himself, surprisingly headache free, in the middle of what looked like a Church. Dressed in a tuxedo. _The hell?_ He thought, _Did Pops slip me into this when I wasn’t looking?_ He had to admit, Genma could do some impressive feats. Setting up an entire wedding while he was out and all. He looked around, trying to figure out where his old man was so he could pound him and end this farce.  
  
Instead there were a lot of people he didn’t know around the building, all seemingly here for the wedding. Most of them his age, though around one third men, the remainder being women. There was one girl sitting on top of a giant pig for a reason Ranma didn’t want to ponder.  
  
He finally spotted Genma, he was sitting next to a middle aged woman in a kimono, wiping tears from her eyes. For some reason she looked eerily familiar to him. There was Mr. Tendo, all weepy. His tears being wiped by a woman who looked to be in her 20s in a very, _very_ tight dress..  
  
Finally, the music began playing, and Ranma realized the bride was coming up. He had just a minute or so to stop this now.. Ranma figured there was no way any of the Tendo Sisters would be OK with this. Kasumi and Nabiki had passed on him quickly enough, as for Akane… well, the table told him all he needed to know. Plus it had been, what, a few hours at most? Ranma was pretty sure there needed to at least be some marriage meetings and formalities and stuff like that.  
  
He turned to where the bride would be marching down the aisle, and froze in shock.  
  
There was Akane all right. For some reason she had cut her hair to a shorter style. It looked pretty cute on her, Ranma had to admit. She was in a white wedding dress, and was smiling. The same sort of smile that had been on her face when she had said “I’m Akane, want to be friends?”  
  
But that sight was not enough to make Ranma freeze or wonder just **what the hell** was going on. No, it was the presence of the **other** brides that made him pause. Both walking right by Akane, both also in pretty wedding dresses. There was Kasumi, a bright and cheerful smile on her face, a slightest hint of blush there too. And, of course, the other Tendo girl, Nabiki. Her smile was a bit weird, like someone more used to smirking. But it was still an honest smile. When his eyes locked with hers, her smile widened and Ranma felt his face heat up and turned back to the alter.  
  
The three girls stopped once they reached him. Kasumi on his right side and Nabiki and Akane on his left. Was this some kind of triple wedding? How many engagements did their dad **make?**  
But then the priest showed up, and began to speak, and Ranma began to wonder what had happened to the world while he had been out.  
  
“We are gathered here today to join these three young women to this fine young man in holy matrimony…”

Alright. So, obviously this wasn't happening. That much was pretty clear. Firstly, one does not forget an upcoming wedding, never mind your own. And never mind a wedding to three sisters! Whoever heard of something like that? Three sisters. He was marrying three sisters at once. That does not happen. It doesn't happen in reality, but it might happen in a dream. A fantasy.  
  
Or a nightmare.  
  
Ranma looked around frantically, left to right and back again. Three beautiful, blushing brides beamed back. Gulp! He discreetly pinched himself in a desperate attempt to wake up. Then withheld a scream upon realising that he really wasn't dreaming! As inexplicable as it seemed he really was about to marry all three Tendo sisters at once.  
  
"Do you, Ranma Saotome, take Akane Tendo to be your bride? To have and to hold, in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?"  
  
"Uh," he began, and then Akane glommed onto his arm.  
  
"He does," she said for him. This seemed a mite presumptuous on her part. Trouble was he made the mistake of turning to look at her smiling face and felt like if he said no at this point he might as well find a nice big rock to pull over himself. He hadn't seen anyone that content since the last time Pops found an all-you-can-eat buffet which hadn't banned him entry.  
  
Still, he couldn't help but at least try to ask "What -"  
  
"Do you, Akane Tendo, take Ranma Saotome to be your husband? To have and to hold, in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?"  
  
"Hold on -" he tried, but she drowned him out before he could go any further.  
  
"I do!" she yelled with great enthusiasm.  
  
"Then you may kiss the first bride."  
  
"Hey, hold on a mom-"  
  
And that was the moment all rational thought left him. He didn't know what that was supposed to be, but a kiss it most certainly was not. It was clumsy, it was rough, there was nothing tender or romantic about it at all and he still couldn't stop smiling after it was done. Point of fact he was just kind of swaying in place with a bit of a goofy grin on his face trying to gather his thoughts.  
  
What was he doing again?  
  
"Do you, Ranma Saotome, take Nabiki Tendo..."  
  
Oh, yeah. That's right. He was getting married. To the sisters. All three of them at once. Right. That was nice. Wait, no. No, it wasn't! Ranma Saotome wasn't going to get tied down that easily! Sure, Akane had blindsided him by being so completely forceful about it that he pretty much had to go along, but he was pretty sure he could handle Nabiki! So Ranma turned around to demand some answers -  
  
Then saw that Nabiki was holding up what looked like some kind of bill. There were a lot of zeroes on it. With his name right underneath. Somehow he felt as though he would prefer death to what might follow if he did anything other than say "I do," in the quietest, most high-pitched voice he could manage.  
  
"Good boy," Nabiki mouthed at him and licked her lips seductively.  
  
"Very well. You may kiss the bride."  
  
"H-Hey, wait!" Ranma exclaimed. "What happened to asking her if she -"  
  
Nabiki answered by grabbing his ears and pulling him in for a smooch while the crowd oohed and aahed. He'd give her this. Nabiki was a pretty good kisser. Trouble was she was also an extremely selfish kisser. It felt like his life energy was being drained out of him, and all of a sudden there was one sister left.  
  
"Do you, Ranma Saotome, blah blah blah, Kasumi Tendo, et cetera et cetera until death to you blah."  
  
Ranma raised a finger, took a deep breath, looked to his right and slumped his shoulders in defeat at the sight of the quite literally blushing bride. In for a penny... "I do." Because look at her, standing there like that. Who in their right mind would try to break that heart? He wasn't a monster. He couldn't do that to her.  
  
Of course that resignation had nothing at all to do with the other two sisters standing off to the side, Nabiki holding a bill over her head and Akane absently punching a finger into an open fist, and their dad sitting in the crowd with a whetstone and a really sharp-looking katana. Nope. Nothing to do with any of that, nosir!  
  
Following an extremely chaste kiss, Akane and Kasumi grabbed him arm in arm, while Nabiki trailed behind him. He was pretty sure she was staring at his butt. The three sisters practically frogmarched him out of that church before he even knew what the hell was going on!  
  
"Uh," he complained and considered his options with care. "'Scuse me?" he whispered to Kasumi. She seemed a bit nicer than the other two. "Stupid question. Why -"  
  
"Can't you remember the wedding plans?" Kasumi whispered back, interrupting him even before he'd finished articulating how to ask the question. Eh? By which Ranma of course meant EEEEEEHHHHH?!  
  
"It's a side effect of... Something," Akane whispered back. "Apparently you'll be back in your own time after the four of us..." She bit her lip and looked to the floor.  
  
"You do live a storied life, honeybunch," Nabiki whispered into his ear. The three of them piled into a car. "It just seems as though you'll be living that story out of order."  
  
Right. So. Okay. So. This had officially been the weirdest day. Woke up. Got engaged to a chick he didn't even like. Got knocked the fuck out by a table. Wakes up at a wedding ceremony for that chick and her two sisters all at once. Gets a nice kiss from all three. No memory of setting up the ceremony. Sisters seem to know what's going on.  
  
"Could someone please fill me in?" he asked. "Would that be so much to ask?"  
  



	2. Photographic Memories

Ranma sat in the back of the car, his three apparent new brides sitting around him. Which was really weird since, last Ranma checked, you couldn't marry multiple girls.  
  
Akane was looking down at the car floor still, still blushing slightly. Nabiki had a shit-eating grin that made Ranma worry about his future. Kasumi was simply smiling happily at him.  
  
“So what’s this ‘Something’?” He managed to squeak out.  
  
“It’s quite a story.” Kasumi said brightly, “We can explain it to you when we reach the hotel.”  
  
“The hotel?”  
  
At this point Nabiki draped her arms around Ranma silencing his broken record tendencies. “Of course Sweetums.” She cooed, “Our **wedding night.** or did you forget?”  
  
Now being, mentally, at least, a sixteen year old boy, when confronted with the implications that he was going to get to sleep with this trio of beauties he did what one would expect of a healthy young man his age. He froze up and panicked, even more so than he had been previously.  
  


* * *

  
  
As Ranma was escorted/frogmarched to the hotel, he noticed something a little… odd.  
  
There were a lot less men around then he expected to be in the middle of what he guessed was part of Tokyo. Sure, there were a few, but by far the majority of the people he saw out on the streets were women. Pushed into the hotel it was the same, mostly women.  
  
Hello.” The receptionist at the hotel desk said, “What can I help you with?”  
  
“We have the Saotome-Tendo reservation.” Nabiki spoke up.  
  
“Ah, the Honeymoon Suite.” The receptionist said with romantic sigh, “You girls are so lucky to find a husband, all at once too?”  
  
“We’re sisters.” Kasumi explained.  
  
“Oh I see. I don’t think I could do that with my sister…” The woman said, passing four card keys to the assembled group. Akane notably didn’t let Ranma take one.  
  


* * *

  
  
It was an… elaborate room. Clearly one intended for a married… couple(?) that would be spending lots of time in it. A very large bed, lots of closets, an entire kitchen with a full sized fridge. Complete with a very large tub.  
  
“We’re,uh here? Can I get some answers now?” Ranma said the first words in a while.  
  
“Of course sugar,” Nabiki said, “Kasumi and Akane can explain while I get **ready”** She sauntered off into the closet, and Ranma shivered in fear.  
  
Two of his **wives** (How insane was that?) sat on both sides of him on the bed. “Well, ask away!” Akane said.  
  
“Why are we getting married now!?”  
  
“Well Ranma, we’ve been engaged for around a year and a half, I think?” Kasumi answered.  
  
“...what?” Ranma said, “So… so what, I forgot a year and a half of my life? That’s… what?”  
  
“Well, not quite.” Akane shook her head, “Funny but **you** actually explained this to me and Kasumi-”  
  
“You didn’t trust Nabiki with that knowledge for a while.” Kasumi added in.  
  
“-yeah around a year ago? Basically from what we can get from you you’ve been jumping around.. Err.. time? Yeah.”  
  
“You bounce around, randomly I might add, from the night we got engaged to around six months from now. So a two year period.” Kasumi said, “Or at least last night you told us two years was the seeming limit. Plus the time isn’t synchronized. You may perceive you switching time with your future or past self for say, a week but they were swapped around for a month.”  
  
“It’ll even out probably, eventually.” Akane said.  
  
Ranma blinked, “Uh… OK, how exactly am I going to figure that this isn’t a load of bullshit? For all I know Pops just dressed me up while you knocked me out and helped you cook up this story.”  
  
This seemed to get Akane mad, “Do you think we’d lie to you about this? This is our wedding here!”  
  
“Akane, Ranma has every right to be doubtful.” Kasumi shook her head. “Ranma, look here.” She reached into her pocket and produced a photograph.  
  
Ranma took it and examined it. It was a picture of him and the three sisters. They were all dressed up in kimonos, all surrounding him. He was holding a small pot with some bamboo in it, four pieces of paper attached to it with his name, and he could see pieces of their names as well. He noticed that the Ranma in the photo was a little beaten up, but he was smiling like the girls.  
  
“That’s from Tanabata.” Kasumi said, “You worked really hard to keep our names on that bamboo.” She pulled out a couple more photos, “Here’s one of yours and Akane’s first kiss.”  
  
“Kasumi!” Akane said in a mortified tone, “You have that?”  
  
“Well of course, Nabki thought it was cute.” Kasumi showed the picture to Ranma. He was kneeling on Akane’s lap for some reason and Akane looked shocked.  
  
“Uh.. what?”  
  
“That doesn’t count! You thought you were a cat at the time!” Akane protested.  
  
“Wait… Pops told you about **that?”** Ranma asked, horrified that at least three people knew about his weakness.  
  
“He didn’t until Kuno got the brilliant idea to shove you, me, and Nabiki into a room full of cats… and a goddamn tiger for some reason.” Akane muttered.  
  
Ranma didn’t know who this “Kuno” was but vowed to punch him in the face later for this.  
  
“Oh.. oh my how did Nabiki get a picture of this?” Kasumi suddenly blushed looking at the next picture she had produced.  
  
“Oh?” What is it?” A grin came to Akane’s face.  
  
“It was that time I was possessed by the Oni and well…” Before Kasumi could put it away Akane reached over Ranma and snatched it out of her hands. Ranma leaned over her to get a look at it and his face reddened as much as the sisters.  
  
Ranma was pressed against the wall by Kasumi. For some reason she had a pair of horns sprouting out of her head, and a **very** hungry expression on her face. Also her blouse was completely undone allowing a black lacy bra to be seen.  
  
_“Ahem.”_ Kasumi said, “We didn't do anything improper then, so don’t worry Ranma.”  
  
“Then?” Akane asked.  
  
“Moving on!” Kasumi produced another photo.”Here’s you and Nabiki with your mother, when you had that cold.” Ranma was laying on a futon, clearly sick with a cloth over his forehead. The middle aged woman Ranma had seen earlier with Pops was leaning over him with Nabiki holding a bowl of water in one hand and… a calculator in the other?  
  
“She was figuring out how much to charge for taking care of you.” Akane explained.  
  
“OK, two questions. One, I have a mom? And two, why the hell would Nabiki charge me for that if I was her fiance!”  
  
“Yes you do, surprisingly they’re not even divorced. Auntie Saotome is a nice woman… just a little odd.” Akane answered.  
  
“And that’s just how Nabiki is. She charged you only 100 yen for it, she likes you after all.” Kasumi explained.  
  
Ranma took a moment to take in the photographic evidence of a past with the Tendos. A past he would apparently be jumping back and forth through. But the problem with that was… well. “OK? That doesn’t explain why the hell I, ah, married all **three** of you. Last thing I remember before this was you and Nabiki shoving Akane at me, then Akane knocking me out with a table.”  
  
“Well the table part still happened.” Akane said, “But right from the start Dad told us it was an arranged marriage for all three of us.”  
  
“But that’s the thing! You can’t marry three women!”  
  
“Oh right.. This part too.” Akane muttered, “It’s weird, you explain it Kasumi.”  
  
Kasumi sighed, “Well Ranma, I suppose it’s like this. While each switch **now** is just with your past and future selves, the first switch… when you got married just hours ago. That put you in a parallel universe. I guess the original Ranma from this world got switched too?”  
  
“What.”  
  
“Well, think about it like this Ranma. From what you remember, how did the numbers of men and women add up?”  
  
“Huh? I dunno. I guess they were about the same?”  
  
Akane looked a bit shocked at that. “That sounds crazy.”  
  
“It does. From my memory, and the rest of the world’s history Ranma, there’s around one man for every twenty women.” Kasumi answered, “Sadly, since you’re not an anthropologist or historian you’re unable to analyze the cultural and historical differences that come from a society with an equal gender ratio.”  
  
Akane and Ranma stared at her blankly.  
  
“The point is,” Kasumi continued, “That while the world you’re from may be OK with just one man and woman women in a marriage, in this world men have always needed to marry multiple women. In modern society up to three women can marry one man, and even that leaves most women without a husband and having to rely on... other methods if they want to start a family. But society decided that three was the largest it could get without becoming… messy.”  
  
As Ranma processed this, Akane wrapped her hands around him, “Don’t worry though, even if you don’t quite believe it now… give it enough time and you’ll see it’s true.”  
  
Ranma blushed at the sudden affection, but before he could say anything more, Nabiki’s voice rang out. “Oh Ranma-sweetie! Are you ready for our _wedding night?”_  
  
“Oh god.” Ranma whimpered, he was so not ready for this. He closed his eyes, hoping that he’d wake up and he’d be back under the table.  
  
“Open your eyes _darling.”_ Nabiki’s voice cooed in front of him. “Don’t you want to see?”  
  
“No! Who’d want to see a… uh… greedy chick like you!” Ranma desperately protested, to the snickers of the other two wives.  
  
“Really? I seem to recall that one time after you beat the Shi Shi Hokodan that-”  
  
“Wait the what?” Hearing what sounded like a martial arts technique caused Ranma’s train of thought to derail, and he unwittingly opened his eyes. “...crap!” He panicked, so sure that Nabiki was wearing something _exposing_ and ready to devour him.  
  
Only to see she was wearing a modest pair of pajamas and holding a box of board games.  
  
“...the hell?”  
  
Nabiki burst out laughing, “You really think I’d sleep with you when you’ve known me… what? Two hours? I’ll wait till you snap back to the present snookums.”  
  
Ranma glared at her, then turned that glare to the other two giggling sisters.

* * *

Ranma knew he wasn't ready for his wedding night, and boy was he ever right. He'd never been so thoroughly humiliated in his entire life! After this, he didn't even know how he'd make eye contact with any of his three wives ever again. The intensity was getting to him. That was it. The surreal nature of what was happening to him was driving him spare!

Kasumi cleared her throat to get everyone's attention. Here goes.

"I accuse Dominatrix Mercy, in the Back Seat of Father's Car, with the Wet T-shirt."

She then picked up the little black envelope sitting in the middle of the board, peeked inside and nodded. The other two sisters sighed and put their cards in the middle.

"Nabiki, did you have to get the erotic version of Clue?" Akane groused. "Can't you see how uncomfortable this is making Ranma?"

"And you as well," Nabiki tutted. "The two of you were so easy to read throughout the game, but then again Ranma's always had that poker face issue."

"Poker face issue?" Ranma frowned. "What poker face issue?"

"She means that you're easy to read when you're trying to bluff," Kasumi explained. "I find it quite cute. It's refreshing seeing someone so thoroughly honest. Even though it did make it a bit easy to guess your cards throughout the game..."

Come to think, not a one of them had asked him what his cards were the entire game... No, no that couldn't be right! Ranma's pride simply would not allow it! "I can bluff if I want to!" he huffily insisted. Next to him Akane threw up her hands in dismay while Kasumi tittered into her hand and Nabiki smirked at him like a ravenous shark who smelled blood in the water. "No, really! I can become like a brick wall any time I wanted. You'd never see through me!"

"Oho?" Nabiki rolled over onto her back. "How amusing! Why don't we bet on it? Kasumi, shuffle the cards. Make it so neither of us can see them."

The eldest sister did exactly that, shuffling the game's cards behind her back. Meanwhile, Nabiki stretched out her arms and legs. Like the other two sisters, she was very pretty and had a fit body, but right now Nabiki was pretty far from his favourite. She was a devious tease, and he was pretty sure her body language right now was intended to give him a minor erotic thrill.

"Here's the deal," she said, resting her hands underneath her head while crossing her legs. Though her face was upside down, Nabiki was maintaining direct eye contact with Ranma as she spoke. "I'll have Kasumi deal out five cards to you. There are three kinds of cards: Character, location and 'weapon'. If I can guess how many of each type you draw, I win. Otherwise you win."

"What's the catch?" Akane asked. She sounded even more suspicious of her sister than Ranma was, which certainly said something. "And what are you betting anyway?"

"Information," Nabiki cooly answered. "I'll answer as many questions as he likes before he jumps. Provided that he wins. If he loses, he spends the rest of the time without clothing." She stopped to blow on her nails. "Naked. Nude. Birthday suit. Tackle out for all to see. Either I bare it all, or he does."

"Nuh uh! No way!" Ranma protested. He was a little caught off guard when Akane suddenly glommed onto his side. "You said it yourself! I don't even know you girls yet! I'm not stripping down for nobody!"

"That's only if you lose," Nabiki pointed out. She rolled over onto her stomach and rested her chin on the back of her hand. "On the other hand, if you win then you'll be making things a lot easier for yourself. Aren't you even the slightest bit curious how you managed to make all three of us swoon? I'll tell you all about it. I'll tell you about things like Saffron or Herb. Ryugenzawa, or the jellyfish race, or maybe even the doll incident, the night you saw us all naked for the first time. So many juicy incidents for you to ask about. And all you have to do... Is win!"

"Don't fall for it," Akane warned. Ranma nodded. Of course he wasn't going to fall for that sort of blatant manipulation. "She's just playing to your ego, she knows full well that you'll be more like a glass window than a solid wall."

Now hang on a second.

"I mean, this is one area where you're totally hopeless," Akane continued. "You're really good at learning new tricks, but no matter how we tried you could never ever manage to keep even one bluff going for more than half a second. If you tried to bluff Nabiki right now, she would definitely cream you no matter how much you tried!"

"Deal. Me. In!" Ranma growled. THis is what it meant to be devoured by foolish pride. Ranma picked up his cards and saw... A dildo, a pair of handcuffs, a leather whip, a string bikini and a can of whipped cream. Aha! A deal like this... Incredible! The odds of it were markedly against, which meant the likelihood of Nabiki guessing that he had -

"Five weapons," Nabiki interrupted his thoughts. Ranma collapsed onto his hands and knees, with all the shadows of the room seeming to congregate around him. "Come on then, darling. You might not know us very well, but we know you really, really well. So! Off with the kit. A bet is a bet, and trust me, you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of."

If Ranma were thinking about it a little, the other two sisters were being quite conspicuous in their silence. Almost as though this had gone exactly as planned. But then again that may be reading too much into things. In either case, she was correct. A bet was a bet. With a heavy heart and badly injured pride, Ranma drew himself to full height and prepared himself to get this over with.

He grabbed hold of the waistline to his trousers, gave it a tug and then -

Huh, this wasn't where he had been a moment ago. The sisters had totally vanished. For some reason he was standing in front of a table with three really creepy looking dolls on it. With his trousers and boxers down -

"Crap, I must have jumped!" Ranma gasped, quickly pulling his clothes back on. "Ugh! Good thing nobody was around to see me expose myself... I gotta be really careful about that sort of thing in future!"

Gosh, imagine if he'd been out in public when that happened? He'd have been arrested for sure! He would have to be a hell of a lot more careful when getting dressed and certainly pay attention to where he was.

Speaking of which, where was he anyway? This corridor kind of looked like some sort of creepy old inn. He wandered off down the corridor, wondering to himself... Was he a guest here or something?

"Ranma!" Akane called out from down the end of the corridor. "There you are!" She ran up to him. She was wearing a really cute yukata. "Oh no, you didn't jump again, did you? Honestly, now of all times..."

Ranma could only shrug apologetically. "Come on, I'll show you where you are sleeping. And no funny business this time! I've had enough of you trying to sneak into my room. Got it, buster?"

Well, that was not the reaction he was expecting from her given how affectionate she was in the future... Man, he was going to need a flowchart of some sort to keep all of this straight wasn't he?

"Oh, and you left your flowchart in Kasumi's bag. I don't even know how you did that."

Apparently he kept that thought in mind... So pretty much all he could do at this point was pinch his nose and try his very best to handle this completely weird situation. Jumping around in some parallel world where he was going to wind up married to three weird sisters was really not how he expected to have his life turn out.

Although, one thing Ranma hadn't quite noticed yet was that the three dolls up in the corridor had all slowly turned their heads so they could stare at his butt. Then, when he closed the door, the three all stood up one after the other and stalked down the corridor towards a certain room...


	3. A Different Sort of Desires

Consider, for the moment, the tragic tale of three women courting a young samurai. He was skilled with both blade and craftsmanship, and all three loved him. As a gift to his three suitors he gave them each a doll, custom made to their liking. Like any good man (at least in **this** universe) he was able to love all three. Tragically, however, the women did not want to share, they wanted him all to themselves and fought over him. After so many awful fights, the main decided the only way to end the strife was to commit suicide, and so he did.  
  
Shook with despair, the three women realized their foolishness and joined their lover in the hereafter soon. However, the three dolls given to them, the symbols of his love, were so imbued with their regrets that they became cursed.  
  
Any man they were fully exposed to they would seek out, to try and take as their husband so as to atone for the sins of their past.  
  
They made a **great** little oddity to show off to the tourists, in the owner of the Inn’s opinion. Plus it was easy to avoid them being “fully exposed” to a man. All they had to do was place the dolls far away from the baths and any rooms. That way the only way the curse would activate is if some random man did something like drop his pants in front of them for no reason.  
  
And really, what are the odds of that?  


* * *

  
  
Akane lead him to the room they were staying.  
  
“Where were you boy?” Genma said, sitting across the table from Soun Tendo, the two having a bottle of sake and a plate of sushi between them.  
  
Ranma let out a snort, “Glad to see you too Pop.”  
  
Soun chuckled, “Now now Genma, he was probably spending some alone time with Akane.”  
  
“Dad it’s not like **that.”** Akane protested immediately, “We just made a wrong turn.”  
  
Ranma noticed that Kasumi was also in the room similarly donning a cute yakuta, her hair done up in a bun, a book in her hand “Hey Kasumi.” Ranma stepped up to her, “Akane said you had something…” he glanced over to his old man, having gone back to making bad jokes with Soun. “... something of mine packed away?”  
  
It didn’t take long for Kasumi to get the hint. “Oh yes. Sorry about that, I’ll go get it for you.” She stood up, and after a moment came back with a small thin notebook. “Here you go.” She whispered. “You thought it might be good to give it to me when traveling.”  
  
“Thanks.” Ranma whispered back to her. Flipping open the notebook the first page was a list of people who knew about his jumps, and the dates they would know. Cross-referencing it with a tear-off calendar conveniently posted on one of the dressers in the room showed that out of the five people who knew, Kasumi, Akane, and somebody called Mousse (what kind of name is that?) knew about his jumping at the current point of time. With Nabiki and another name he didn’t recognize not knowing yet.  
  
Flipping through the notebook a bit more, the next few pages were what seemed to be general advice written by his future self. There was a ledger showing exactly how much he owned Nabiki general points in time (more than he wanted, less than he had feared when seeing the bill she had presented at the wedding), and a note specifying that she was lying is she said he owed more. Advice on how to figure out his general fitness level for his current time frame. Apparently he was to keep Akane’s pet pig out of her bed by any means necessary. Finally, in very bold text a page told him to never, **ever** speak the name “Happosai” out loud under any circumstances, or anything that remotely sounds like it. The remaining was more complicated flowcharts detailing people’s reactions to him and how to react to them.  
  
Ranma couldn’t help but laugh when the flowchart for someone named “Tatewaki Kuno” was simply “Is he the general area? ---- > Kick him in the face.” Closing the notebook and tucking it away he looked around the central room. “Hey uh, where’s Nabiki?” He asked, realizing that the middle sister wasn’t around.  
  
“Oh she went ahead for some extra soaking in the hot-springs.” Soun answered.  
  
“Want to spend some time with her now eh?” Genma provided the innuendo.  
  
Ranma blushed, remembering how she in particular had teased him just minutes ago from his perspective. “No way! Why the hell would I want to even think of looking at a greedy chick like her? She’d probably drive me to the poorhouse just for seeing her in a swimsuit!”  
  
In an instant Soun burst into tears. “My little girls are never getting married.”  
  
“Now Father, it’s not like that. Ranma’s just respecting Nabiki’s boundaries.” Kasumi immediately began patting Soun on the back.  
  
Ranma just stared at the man who was allegedly his future Father-in-Law. “Is… is he always like that…?” He asked quietly.  
  
“Huh?” Akane heard his question, “Yeah… I mean… when he gets some alcohol in him… wait. You don’t know that?”  
  
Ranma froze, realizing that he had given something away. “Ah! Well… uh… to tell the truth, this is only the second time I’ve, err… jumped.”  
  
Akane’s eyes widened, “Really? Wow.” Then a sly grin popped up on her face. “So what was the first?”  
  
“You don’t know?”  
  
She shook her head, “Not yet..”  
  
Ranma took that information in. Likely neither Akane nor any of the sisters would react well to hearing about the future wedding. “Well I’m not going to tell you now, sorry.”  
  
Akane pouted, it was a really cute pout. “Jerk.”  


* * *

  
  
Meanwhile, out in the hotsprings one Nabiki Tendo was enjoying an early soak. It was one her hobbies, that is to say enjoying luxuries paid for by others.  
  
Only thing that would make if better is if her favorite teasing target was around. Strictly to laugh at Ranma’s reactions and get a bit more spending money from him, of course.  
  
Still, as the heat of the bath soaked into her, a frown married Nabiki’s face.  
  
“Hmm?” She sat up, opening her eyes and looking around. She may not be a martial artist like Akane, but dealing with Kodachi and Shampoo enough times and given her a hefty danger sense, and right now it was going off. “OK. I swore I dropped enough false trails for Koda-baby to not be here, and Shampoo’s too busy to go on these trips… Ukyo?”  
  
Nothing. Standing up, water streaming off her body, she spotted something sitting on one of the rocks. “A… doll…?” Hadn’t she seen that doll with two others earlier?  
  
Then the doll moved.  


* * *

  
  
The face of Nabiki Tendo split into an uncharacteristic grin. _“Finally.”_ her voice said. Two more dolls popped up from behind the rocks. “I got her Sisters!” She said brightly, jumping out of the tub and beginning to rub herself dry.  
  
Meanwhile, at the bottom of the spring, Nabiki became aware of the world again.  
  
She was underwater, yet she realized after a moment of panic that she did not need to breathe. Which was… unexpected. Forcing herself to stand up, she looked down at her body. It wasn’t **her** body. Rather, it belonged to that doll she had seen just a second before on the rock. Walking over to the edge of the spring, she pulled herself out of the water to see a sight she did **not** like.  
  
It was herself, throwing on her Yakuta again, chatting happily to the other two dolls in the set sitting next to her.  
  
“He came with two more sisters, you know.” Nabiki heard her own voice say. “So there’s no trouble. I think he’s even engaged to them!”  
  
The two dolls jumped up and down enthusiastically.  
  
If Nabiki had been capable of scowling in the doll body she was in she would have done so.  
  
“It’ll be easy, we just need to get them… and then… finally…” A fluttering, lovestruck sigh that would have never escaped the real Nabiki’s lips, “A husband!” The two dolls clapped. She then bent over, picked the two dolls and tucked them into her clothing, and **skipped** out of the bath.  
  
This left Nabiki behind.  
  
_So some evil doll’s taken my body. And she wants to get her fellow dolls into Akane’s and Kasumi’s bodies._ Nabiki thought. _All so they can find… a… husband…._  
  
Or, in other words, Ranma.  
  
It was at that point three other women entered the baths, they took one look at the sight and immediately ran out. “Ghost!” They shouted.  
  
This was because the little doll leaning up at the edge of the hot-spring, putting out an evil aura filled to the brim with malicious intent.  
  
_Well, congrats Dollie. You just made the stupidest mistake of your life._ Nabiki thought darkly. The doll committing, perhaps, the worst possible sin in her eyes.  
  
Trying to take something that belonged to her.  
  
Still putting out that evil aura, Nabiki stepped out towards the inn, vengeance in mind.  
  
She then promptly tripped over the waterlogged doll clothes she was wearing.  
  
_OK, step one: Find a hair dryer._ Nabiki thought.

* * *

Right, this was a little weird. Ranma had spent a few hours with Akane and Kasumi (and Nabiki) but their actions were a little bit different then they had been in **that** hotel room compared to this one.  
  
They had been bit more… touchy? Yes, touchy was the word Ranma was looking for. All three sisters while playing… adult… versions of board games (Where on earth did Nabiki find Erotic _Connect Four?!_ ). A casual stroke of the arm here and there, a hand placed on his once. And so on.  
  
The two sisters were friendly with him still, but seemed a fair bit less eager to get in close physical contact. But, well, he supposed that made sense. They weren’t married yet, and Ranma had no idea how close he really was to them yet. Heck, telling Akane this was just his second jump might had made her and/or Kasumi a bit more distant since they knew he wasn’t as close to them as the present Ranma was.  
  
Really this situation made his head hurt, and he’d have to deal with this for at least two years?  
  
The door to the room opened.  
  
“Enjoy the bath Nabiki?” Kasumi asked as the third sister walked in.  
  
“H..uh? Y-yes. I it was great.” Nabiki said, glancing around the room. “You two going…?”  
  
Akane stood up, clapping her hands. “That sounds great!”  
  
“You know, why not.” Kasumi said, closing her book. “We’ll be back later OK Ranma?”  
  
Ranma waved them off, “Sure fine.”  
  
Nabiki, her hands behind her back, stepped out of the room for a second, while the other two sisters headed out. Ranma watched them vanish into the hallway while Nabiki stepped in. Her eyes glanced across the room, before finally stopping on Ranma. A.. weird smile popped up on Nabiki’s face. It wasn’t the teasing smirk he had seen before.  
  
One hand on her hip, she walked over to Ranma. “Well hello there.”  
  
“Err,hey.” Ranma said.  
  
“Would you like a drink?” She asked.  
  
“Uh… sure?” Ranma said. A little confused, Nabiki had not been this accommodating before/after.  
  
Nabiki grabbed a bottle of soda and a cup. She pushed the cup in his hand, before pouring the drink and setting it down next to him.  
  
“Thanks?” Ranma said, taking a sip. OK this was weird. Nabiki was just **staring** at him as he drank the fizzy drink, a weird smile on her face. “Um… you want some?”  
  
“Not really no.” Nabiki said, still smiling.  
  
“So… what do you want to do now?” Ranma asked. Wondering if this was some kind of lead in to another prank.  
  
Nabiki’s eyes seemed to sparkle while Ranma took another sip of soda. “Well… _dear_ I guess I do want to try this.” Upon finishing that sentence Nabiki latched onto Ranma’s left arm, cuddling up against it.  
  
It was a pitch perfect spit-take.  


* * *

  
  
Kasumi trailed slightly behind Akane, the two heading for the hot springs. It all sounded very lovely and relaxing, in Kasumi’s opinion. Akane was, of course, catching Kasumi up on events.  
  
“And get this Kasumi, Ranma told me this was only his second jump.” Akane said.  
  
“Really now?” Kasumi said, “That’s a bit of a disappointment.”  
  
“Hmm? Why?” Akane asked.  
  
“Oh, because he doesn’t know that well I imagine.” Kasumi explained. “Plus he said he jumped more often early on so he’s might very well-”  
  
“...Kasumi?” Akane said, turning around. “KasumI!”  
  
Kasumi was laying face down on the floor, not moving for a moment. A doll sitting on top of her.  
  
“Kasumi?”  
  
Kasumi tilted her head up, “Sorry, I tripped.” She said.  
  
“...and the doll?” Akane asked.  
  
“Well… I don’t know about that…” Kasumi said evasively, “Can you help me up?”  
  
“O-of course.” Akane said, even as her danger sense was going off. She looked around, where was the threat? “Here.” She held out her hand to her older sister.  
  
“Oh thank you.” Kasumi said, reaching out with her right hand.  
  
There was a second doll in her hand.  


* * *

  
  
OK.  
  
Don’t panic.  
  
Sure, Nabiki was clutching Ranma’s arm like a life preserver. Sure she was looking up at him with wide eyes and smiling really oddly. That didn’t mean he needed to panic.  
  
“Nabiki?” He squeaked out.  
  
“...huh? Oh.. oh. Yes?” Nabiki asked.  
  
“Err… what are you doing?”  
  
A hurt look crossed Nabiki’s face. “I thought… aren’t I one of your fiancees?”  
  
“...yes? But you.. Uh….”  
  
“Oh that’s my boy!” Wonderful, Genma had noticed them. “Ready to spend time quality time with your fiancees?”  
  
“Now wait a minute!” Ranma protested, “Isn’t Nabiki acting a little weird? I don’t think she’s the type to-”  
  
Nabiki’s grip became tighter, “You… you don’t like me?”  
  
“I… I didn’t say that! I just… uh… you know… you should be charging me for a hug or something!” Yeah that sounded right.  
  
“Well… maybe I could… charge you… a walk with me?” Nabiki asked, “Maybe we could go see if my sisters want to come along.”  
  
“Wha-”  
  
“Great idea!” Soun joined in, “You two go enjoy the sights, OK?” Ranma and Nabiki were then simultaneously pushed out of the room by the fathers, shutting the door behind them.  
  
“Well then!” Nabiki said with a bright and off-putting smile. “Let’s go see if my sisters want to come along.”  
  
“Didn’t they go to the hot springs?” Ranma asked.  
  
“Well, that might not be a problem.” Nabiki said enigmatically.  


* * *

  
  
Akane opened her eyes. She tried to groan, she really wanted to groan. But she found she couldn’t make a sound. Akane sat up… and found herself looking into the face of another doll.  
  
_Ahhhh!_ She jumped back.  
  
The doll clapped her hands. _Oh good you’re awake Akane._  
  
Wait, that “sounded” like... _Kasumi….?_ Akane thought.  
  
_Oh yes. It seems we’re dolls now._ Kasumi… said... To her.  
  
_Wait. We’re dolls? And we can communicate… somehow?_ Akane looked down at herself. Sure enough, it was the doll that had been in the hand of Kasumi’s body when Akane had reached down to help her up. While Kasmui was in the doll that had been on her back.  
  
_Oh this is exciting. Usually it’s you and Nabiki who get involved the adventures!_ Kasumi said cheerfully, even though her expression stayed the same.  
  
Akane mentally sighed. _Fine, so what can we do?_  
  
_Well, we could investigate what sounds like a hair dryer around the corner._ Kasumi suggested.  
  
Sure enough, now that Akane was paying attention she could hear a hair dryer. _What?_  
  
The two peered around the corner, to see a hair dryer plugged into a wall. The dryer was behind held and used by a third doll, blowing the hot air on her clothing. There was a moment of staring, before her head snapped to Kasumi and Akane. The doll hefted up the hair dryer. _Oh you two here for me now? Good I’m going to teach you a lesson on what’s mi-_  
  
_NABIKI?_ Akane mentally shouted.  
  
_Wait Akane?_ The doll dropped the hair dryer.  
  
_Hello Nabiki._ Kasumi waved.  
  
_Oh damn it they got you too!_ Nabiki said. _Great._  
  
_Do you know what’s going on?_ Akane asked.  
  
_Yeah. I overheard Dollie babbling in **my** body._ Nabiki began to pace. _She and her sisters are a bunch of cursed dolls who want our bodies because they want Ranma._  
  
Akane walked over and flipped off the hair dryer. _So wait, they want to get revenge on Ranma?_  
  
_Nope, they want to **marry** Ranma_ Nabiki said. _As in they’re going to use **our bodies** to seduce the idiot and drag him to the altar._  
  
The air seemed to crack.  
  
_WHAT!?_ Akane screamed, waving her hands around, _They’re going to try and u-u-use us to sleep with him? Oh god! I’m too young to get pregnant!_  
  
Kasumi placed a hand on Akane’s shoulder, _Now Akane, I don’t think that as Ranma is now they’ll actually suceed in seducing him..._  
  
Akane frozed, looking over at Kasumi. _Because... of that?_ Because Ranma was in his second jump, he might now be comfortable enough with the sisters to be receptive to a suduction?  
  
Oh but what if that just made it more casual? After all, Akane didn’t know where Ranma had last jumped from! For all she knew it was just a week after they met! She began flailing again.  
  
_Because of what Kasumi?_ Nabiki asked dryly, _I mean, we both know full well that you already-_  
  
_Perhaps we should go check up on Ranma to try and make sure he’s OK!_ Kasumi thought loudly, drowning out Nabiki. _Though I think we need to calm Akane down again…_  
  
Akane was running in circles now, her thoughts a jumbled panic on future pregnancies and how _who knows what perverted things they’ll let him try with my-_  
  
Bonk. Nabiki hit Akane on the top of the head with the hair dryer. _Calm down sis, Ranma will likely keep it in his pants in time for us to get revenge on those ghost story bimbos._  
  
Akane would take a deep breath, but she didn’t have lungs right now. _R-right… sorry. I just… err..._

  
_You're understandably worried about how the dolls might treat Ranma._ Kasumi said.

  
_Don't worry sis, we're all aware you're not ready to be intimate with Ranma yet._ Nabiki threw in.

  
_Who said I want to be intimate with that idiot at all!_ Akane shouted, to both her sisters laughter.


	4. It's a Dolly World, it's a Dolly Girl

It's worth pointing out yet again how thoroughly disconcerting Ranma found his current situation. Not only was he in some weird parallel world which permitted polygamy, but he was also jumping around his alternate self's timeline without seeming rhyme nor reason, and on top of that the very first leap he'd made was to his eventual wedding to three sisters.  
  
"Uh, Nabiki are you sure you're -" he began, but trailed off as she batted her eyes at him and rubbed her cheek up against his arm. The sight made him feel just a little bit nervous. Nabiki was pretty. Really, really pretty. "I mean, we don't really know each other too well do we?"  
  
"That just means we can take the chance to get to know each other a little better," she purred. Normally when something purred Ranma wanted to leap out of the nearest window, but due to the way she was nuzzling up against him... It was so strange! From what his notes had indicated Nabiki was the sort of girl who had more of an interest in his wallet than his body.  
  
Which made him really wonder what her game was...  
  
"Listen," Ranma said. "I don't think it would be a great idea to walk in on your sisters in the hot spring."  
  
"Oh? Whyever not?" Nabiki coyly asked. She shifted gears and glommed onto his chest. Soft. She was so soft and warm and her hair smelled great. His mind cast back to her walking down the aisle in that wedding dress. "After all, we are all your fiancees, aren't we?"  
  
"Y-yeah," Ranma stammered. He really had to get that under control! "But it wouldn't be right! I'm sure they'd have a problem if we just barged in on them out of the blue!"  
  
"Not to mention that there might be other people in there..." another voice suggested.  
  
"True, they might see all the wicked, nasty things we'll do to your body."  
  
All of which made Ranma realise a few things in quick order. Fact one: While Nabiki had been cuddling on to him and acting unduly cute, she had also been distracting him from the fact that she had been guiding him straight towards the hotspring. Fact two: Kasumi and Akane were standing over there by the water with their robes on. Fact three: Nabiki had disengaged from him to stand in the middle of the two sisters with her back turned to him, peering over her shoulder in a way more steamy than the water. Fact four: All three sisters were dropping their robes to the ground. Fact five: He was the luckiest man alive.  
  
_I am going to marry these girls,_ Ranma thought. He gulped. He blushed. He adjusted his trousers to try make sure his rising erection was concealed, though from the way the sisters tittered it seemed as though he was only drawing attention to the matter. Well, it was hardly his fault that they were so pretty, and naked, and -  
  
"So how about it Ranma?" Nabiki asked. Her hands slid down to her hips and she gave her hips an enticing wiggle. "Wanna have some fun?"  
  
"We're all in quite the frisky mood you see," Kasumi added. She leaned over a touch and pressed her arms against the sides of her breasts. "And there's only one thing that can sate us."  
  
"That would be you," Akane cooed. She wet her lips and leaned back, resting her hands on the back of her head. "Come over here, loverboy and use us however you want."  
  
So here he was. A young man standing in front of three very beautiful, very naked women who he knew for a fact he was destined to marry. Each of them willing to share pleasure with him, and him with each other. On that basis Ranma did the only sensible thing a healthy young man like him could do with such an offer, and he did it with great gusto.  
  
Namely: Spin around on his heel and charge out of the room like he'd just seen a whole lot of pussies. By which he meant cats! Felines, the animal, not - Gah, away with thee, filthy thoughts for this is not your day!  
  
"After him!" he heard the sisters call out. "Don't let him get away!"  
  
"Here's a clue!" Ranma called back while charging down the corridor. "If you have to say 'don't let him get away,' it makes a guy really want to get away!"  
  
Just as he was about to turn away, Ranma heard a loud crunch noise. He turned back, just in time to see the three naked girls jammed in the doorway.  
  
"Ah, Ranma! We're stuck!" Kasumi complained. "Please be a good boy and come help us out."  
  
"Please Ranma!" Akane whined. "I can't move at all! Grab my hands and pull me out."  
  
"You wouldn't leave three naked maidens trapped like this, would you"? Nabiki asked, sounding genuinely pathetic and needy.  
  
The trouble was that they were saying that while reaching out towards him with very grabby looking hands with wiggling fingers that made them seem as appealing as live worms to a boy like Ranma. That was the only thing that kept him going back to help them get unjammed from the door, incidentally. This proved to be quite a wise move, for as soon as Ranma was around the corner he pressed himself up against the nearest wall and listened carefully.  
  
"Oh, darn! I thought for sure he'd want to come and help us out!" Akane sighed. "Girls, spread out! We've waited too long for this to be denied now!"  
  
"Quite right!" Kasumi said. "I will have that dicking if it's the last thing I do!"  
  
"That is kind of the idea..." Nabiki said, with the kind of tone that made Ranma imagine she was rolling her eyes. "That boy is really cute though. I'm super glad it was him."  
  
That boy...? Now Ranma's suspicions really were raised! He turned around and made ready to find a place to hide - Then collided with another patron, who happened to be carrying a glass of cold water that just so happened to spill... No, guess. Seriously, take a guess. Where exactly do you suppose a person carrying cold water would happen to drop that water when Ranma Saotome was around? Was it next to Ranma? In front of Ranma? Perhaps, by chance behind Ranma? Why no, could it be? Impossible, unthinkable but surely not _directly over Ranma's head_! But that would trigger his Jusenkyo curse and transform him from hunky, handsome boy into a cute busty girl!  
  
"Hey watch where you're heading! Clumsy idiot!" yelled the woman picking up her glass from the floor. "Hmph, young women today..."  
  
Ranma picked 'herself' up and checked 'herself' over. Looked like the curse was still intact, that was for sure! Weird to think how it hadn't been triggered since this whole mess started. Wow, but think about that for a moment: Just yesterday this seemed like the worst and most complicated part of his life but now it seemed like complications were multiplying all the damn time!  
  
"Allow me."  
  
"Thank you," Ranma said to the person offering her hand, who upon being pulled up to 'her' feet Ranma realised was, in point of fact, Akane. "Don't mention it?" she asked, though the sentence had only gained its higher pitch at the end because that was the moment Ranma's brain finished processing things. Namely people he was trying to avoid because they were acting weird.  
  
"Tell me," Akane suddenly said, adopting a strangely cute and innocent expression and tone. "Have you seen a really handsome boy wandering around? He wears a pigtail just like yours, and was wearing the same kind of clothes that you are..." She peered suspiciously at Ranma, who was doing 'her' very best to avoid direct eye contact. Then suddenly Akane's arm shot forward and squeezed Ranma's boob.  
  
"Hey!" Ranma yelped, batting Akane's hand away. "Cut that out!" Bad enough when Nabiki had been grabby earlier on... Uh... Oh boy, using temporal tenses was going to get confusing in a hurry. "No need to be grabby."  
  
"You are Ranma's sister..." Akane stated, seeming to come to a conclusion. Then she smiled brightly and seemed to light up the room. Cute! But also creepy. "I'm so sorry, I did not recognise you in this lighting," Akane said. "Ohohoho! Do forgive me! Have you seen your brother around?"  
  
Brother... Sister? No mention of the curse. It didn't seem possible that Akane didn't know about it by now even in this parallel world. Either way, Ranma had to play along for now. In which case -  
  
It was an amazing thing really. When a bad actor pretends to be something they are not, they do a little thing called 'over-exaggeration'. You see, a bad actor cannot get into the mindset of the role they're playing and so feel the need to really put it out there that they are playing that part. They'll emphasise stereotypes that fit the role. They'll ham it up something fierce!  
  
Right now, Ranma was pretending to be a girl. Which meant big wide cute eyes, wringing her hands cutely, standing in a much more demure and girly manner, by which of course we mean a manner in which girls don't really tend to do under normal conditions.  
  
"Oh yes, I have seen my brother running by!" she said. Ranma bat 'her' eyes at Akane. "Teehee, he seemed to be in quite the hurry. Do you have any idea why?"  
  
"No idea at all," Akane said. "But hey, you are his sister and I am curious. Tell me more about your brother, I'm very eager to know _everything_!"  
  
Strange. Her smile was shining brightly, but the shadows seemed to be creeping in from every corner. Ranma's martial arts danger sense was pinging something fierce, but it seemed like the danger was coming from every direction all at the same time. Oh, but those troubles, they just kept on multiplying...  


* * *

  
For years now, Genma Saotome had the shame of being accused by his son - his very own flesh and blood - of being an alcoholic. Ridiculous! He could turn down a good drink any time he wanted. Really, he could! It wasn't a vice, it was a social occasion and nothing more.  
  
Take tonight for instance. He was drinking with his good friend Soun Tendo while discussing their plans to get Ranma wed to all three of Soun's daughters.  
  
"I worry about that Shampoo girl sometimes," Soun admitted, then took a shot. "You've seen how clingy she gets, and that grandmother of hers can't seem to take no for an answer."  
  
"It's Kuonji that worries me," Genma replied, then took a shot of his own. "It's never the strong hit you see coming that gets you. It's the weaker one you don't that drops your guard. My boy doesn't have his guard up against Kuonji at -"  
  
Then, they stopped at the sound of the window opening up. Both men turned towards it, then stared in disbelief as three dolls dropped into the room one by one. The first landed in a manner akin to a decently to well trained martial artist, breaking their fall superbly. The next tucked in their arms and was caught by the first, while the last - to put it crudely - seemed to have no damns to give.  
  
The glass dropped from Genma's hand. The second doll jumped and looked at the liquid spilling out of it, then immediately wandered over to the corner of the room to grab a piece of cloth, while the other two gesticulated widely at her, giving the impression "we don't have time for this!"  
  
The last one rubbed its forehead, then walked across to the two fathers with a seemingly exasperated gait. It then looked up at them and seemed to be miming as though it was talking for a moment, then tapped the side of its head in apparent frustration. It turned towards the first doll, then pointed at a pen on a table. This sparked a mute argument between these two, and at about this point the other doll had returned with a cloth much too large for it to carry in any kind of dignified sense. It began to mop up the spilled alcohol.  
  
The third doll appeared to have won its argument with the first, who began to climb up the table leg. This was when Genma and Soun very slowly turned towards one another, nodded sagely and then fainted into a boozy slumber.  
  
Probably for the best in the end. Knowing these two, even if the sisters had been able to warn them then they would have probably made an already bad situation even worse.

* * *

Right then, Ranma had this covered. Pretend to be his own sister for a bit until he could deduce what made the sisters decide that he would better serve them naked like they were- No, bad thoughts!  
  
“Well… what do you want to know about Big Brother first?” Ranma asked in a high pitched, obviously fake girly voice. But for some reason Akane did not notice or care.  
  
“What does he like in women?” Was, naturally, the first thing she asked.  
  
What did Ranma like in girls? Ranma hadn’t really thought of that much. Most of his interactions with the opposite sex involved talking with sisters of casual school friends and the occasional sparring partner.  
  
Well, before China. **After** China Ranma had Shampoo trying to kill him. Getting engaged without even being asked. Getting beaned over the head with a table by his fiancee, waking up getting **married** to all three sisters, and now jumping back to them all going insane and trying to seduce him in the least subtle way possible.  
  
Basically not a lot of romantic thoughts beyond liking the three girls basic personalities and finding them hot.  
  
Plus, all three sisters were pretty different. Yet there was enough common thread between them (besides being 10/10 Beauties) that he could see why someone would like all three.  
  
“Big Brother likes… I guess he likes confidant girls?” Yeah that was the main connection between the three sisters. All three seemed self assured at what they did didn’t worry about what other people would try and do to control them. “The take charge type.”  
  
  
Akane blinked, “So… he likes being controlled?”  
  
“Huh? I didn’t say that…”  
  
“I see, so he’s that kind of man. Hmmm I see yes. I’ll have to tell my sisters to get the ropes.” Akane stood up, “Thank you Ranma’s sister!”  
  
“The **ropes?** No! Big brother does not like being tied up and-”  
  
“Gotta go, where are you Dearest!” Akane called out, running off to find her future husband, failing to notice he was right in front of her.  
  
“Damn it Akane, come back here!” Ranma jumped up and, in violation of anything resembling sense, chased after the crazy girl.  


* * *

  
  
“Darling…?”  
  
_That’s Kasumi’s voice!_ Akane thought/said to her sisters, Kasumi was busy putting cool cloths on the fainted father's head, while Nabiki was reading something in a brochure that had been provided with the room.  
  
_Wait a minute, cursed dolls? The inn people **knew** those things were haunted! Akane we can sue here!_  
  
_Nabiki, remember the waiver Father had to sign when reserving these rooms?_ Kasumi pointed out, having finished tucking in the fathers.  
  
_Damn it._  
  
_Guys! We have more important things to worry about! Kasumi’s body is looking for Ranma!_ Akane waved out to the room. _Maybe if you can touch her You’ll get your body back._  
  
_Might as well try._ Nabiki said, the two sisters joined Akane in listening to the hallway beyond the door.  
  
“Ranma? Where are you!?”  
  
_Ranma got away from them._ Kasumi observed.  
  
_GOOD._ Akane and Nabiki said simultaneously. Akane leaned the side of her head against the door. _I think she’s going to be passing soon, so…_ Akane gripped the side of the door and pulled, slowly pulling it open a crack.  
  
“Ranma? Come on!” Doll-Kasumi let out a huff. “Maybe he ran back to his room.” She frowned, “But I don’t know what room he’s staying in!” Her back was turned, completely missing the three sisters poking themselves over the door to spy on her. Then she turned around… to see nothing, the current dolls having ducked back behind the door. “Hmm…” She walked over to the room. “Ranma…? Dear…? Are you in here!” She pulled the door open… and saw that Ranma was not in it. “Damn.”  
  
Then she looked down, noticing the three dolls staring right back up at her.  
  
“...Oh crap.”  


* * *

  
  
“So… you’re Ranma’s sister, right?” Nabiki said.  
  
“Of course! Tee-hee!” Ranma said, her bunched up fists under her chin, eyelashes fluttering. “Ranma’s my big brother and I love him so much!”  
  
“So do you know where Ranma is?” Nabiki asked.  
  
“Nope, sorry! Big Brother must be playing hide and seek!” Ranma cooed.  
  
“Sister!” That’s when Akane reappeared. “Have you found him?”  
  
“Sorry, just his sister.”  
  
Akane glanced back at Ranma. “Yeah we met. Turns out Ranma likes being dominated, you remember your rope techniques?”  
  
“Oh yes. That would explain why he’s being so skittish.” Nabiki said, looking thoughtful.  
  
“I don’t like being tied up!” Ranma shouted.  
  
“So? We’re not talking about you.” Akane said dismissively.  
  
“Ranma isn’t interested in that!” Ranma shouted, suddenly **really** afraid of what Nabiki might have been… _will be_ planning on their wedding night.  
  
“Where is he then?” Nabiki was suddenly in Ranma’s face.  
  
“I don’t have the slightest idea.” Ranma said, letting out a fake giggle to try and sell it.  
  
Now both girls were right up in Ranma’s personal space, and the Danger Sense was going into overdrive.  
  
“I think, Sister, that she doesn’t want us to have Ranma.” Akane said, her voice low.  
  
“Yeah, maybe she’s been lying to use the whole time.” Nabiki said.  
  
“Now wait a minute! You’re both acting crazy!” Ranma said quickly, “I’m just answering your questions.”  
  
“Then where is he?” Akane asked again.  
  
“Like I said before, I don’t know!” Ranma said, both girls grabbing an arm each.  
  
Before the two sisters could do further interrogation, however, a squeal filled the air. All three looked off into the hall to see… Kasumi. Her arms uncharacteristically flailing up and down, screaming “Get them off!” Three dolls were clinging to her, one with short hair and a ribbon on top of her head, repeatedly bopping the top of Kasumi’s head with her doll fist. The other short haired with no ribbon, clinging to her left arm, and the final one with long hair clinging to her chest.  
  
Ranma stared for a long moment. She had seen a lot of weird stuff in her sixteen years of life. “Well that’s new.” She said, staring at Kasumi uncharastically freaking out.  
  
“Sister!” Akane and Nabiki both ran over to Kasumi, “Get off her! He’s ours!” Akane shouted, trying to grab at the ribbon bearing doll. Instead the doll managed to execute a rather impressive leap and land on her head. “Aaaaahhh no stop that!” She began shouting as the doll began whacking her head instead.  
  
Then the ribbonless doll jumped from Kasumi’s chest to Nabiki’s. “Not you too! He’s mine now!” She shouted, attempting to pry the doll off her.  
  
Ranma stood in the middle of this, staring with a baffled expression at the current mess. That’s when some words Nabiki had said… earlier from her perspective but a fair bit into the future from the rest of the world’s point of view… echoed in her mind.  
  
_“...maybe even the doll incident, the night you saw us all naked for the first time."_  
  
Dolls. Seeing them all naked, for definitely the first time. Wait… could it be? It was an insane thought but now that it came to Ranma’s mind it would put things together in a way that made sense! It was why they were all acting, well, **insane** and didn’t know about the curse!  
  
“All right everybody **stop!”** she shouted at the top of her lungs. All three panicking sisters and dolls all froze in place and stared at Ranma. Ranma, in turn, turned her gaze to one of the sisters. “Akane, can you come here a second?” She asked, “Gotta ask you about some stuff.”  
  
She stepped forward, “What do you need?” She asked, and thus confirmed Ranma’s suspicions. “Kasumi? I want to talk to Akane.”  
  
Kasumi… or perhaps, more accurately, the doll **possessing** Kasumi, gawked at her. “Err, I mean… I…?”  
  
  
“Geez, Kasumi?” Ranma said, smirking. “It’s like you don’t actually know your names.”  
  
A tense pause followed.  
  
“I get it now. Those dolls, they’re haunted and you’ve-” Ranma didn’t get to finish that sentence because Doll-Kasumi suddenly slammed down a large hammer from where she had just been standing. “Rude!” Ranma stuck her tongue out. That’s when Doll-Nabiki grabbed Ranma’s arms.  
  
“Got you! You’re not going to take him away from us!” Doll-Nabiki said, “Knock her out sister!”  
  
However, well, Nabiki had not exactly practiced any martial arts in… ever really. So it wasn’t very hard for Ranma to slip out of her grip and for Doll-Kasumi to hit only air. All three dolls jumped off the possessed sisters, and Ranma quickly caught them. The one with the ribbon pointed away from the trio, and Ranma got the hint.  
  
“Come back here!” Doll-Akane shouted.  


* * *

  
  
_Wow, he actually figured it out._ Nabiki commented. Ranma had slipped away from the possessed girls into the one spot where she figured nobody would be looking for a girl. Namely the men’s bath. All three had then been sat down on a bench, Ranma sitting next to them.  
  
  
_Ranma’s rather clever Nabiki._ Kasumi chided, _You know that._  
  
_Yeah but he never uses his brain when he needs to._ Nabiki managed to get off the tone of one rolling their eyes without being able to do it.  
  
Ranma glanced down at the three dolls. The long haired one had her hands clasped in front of her, looking up at her. The one with a ribbon had her arms folded and her head at a slight angle. Finally the one with no ribbon had her hands on her hips, glancing sidelong at him. “Err… Kasumi, Akane, and Nabiki?” She said, pointing to each sister as she spoke their names.  
  
_What?_ Akane was a little surprised that even though Ranma couldn’t hear them, she had managed to deduce which was which.  
  
“Right?” Ranma said, laughing a little nervously. “Err, I guess I can recognize my fiancees.”  
  
It was a rather good thing for each sister that the dolls they were stuck in couldn’t actually change expression, otherwise all three would suddenly be blushing.  
  
Before this moment could continue, however… “Ranma? Are you in here!?” All three of the Doll-Sisters charged into the men’s bath. Thankfully the other men had been scared off by the walking dolls coming in with Ranma earlier.  
  
“Crap.” Ranma muttered.  
  
“Ah-ha! There you are!” Doll-Akane said, “You’re not going to keep our husband from us!”  
  
Ranma jumped in front of her fiancees, “Listen, Ranma isn’t interested in you crazy ghosts or whatever you are!”  
  
“Oh? What kind of girl is he interested in then?” Doll-Kasumi said.  
  
“Not you three, I can tell you that much.” Ranma muttered.  
  
That’s when Ranma realized that Doll-Akane was slipping to the side, with a shout she jumped towards not Ranma, but the dolls. “Oh no you don’t!” She quickly scooped up the three.  
  
_Give me back my body!_ Akane mentally shouted her body.  
  
“As if. I’m getting a husband!” Doll-Akane said.  
  
_Let me at her!_ Akane struggled in Ranma’s arms.  
  
_Calm down Akane._ Nabiki said.  
  
“Got you!” Doll-Akane lashed out, using her body’s considerable speed to grab at Ranma. However, Ranma possessed considerably more speed than that and slid to the left, sticking out her tongue at the sisters, “Can’t catch me!”  
  
However, Ranma had forgotten that they were in the men’s bath… so the laws of perversity triggered Ranma slipping on the rocks… and all four landing in the hot spring.  
  
_Welp we’re doomed._ Akane grumbled  
  
_Or at least our collective virginities._ Nabiki commented, Ranma coming up for air, and all three Doll Sisters staring.  
  
_Damn it! That’s even worse!_ Akane shouted.  
  
“Crap.” Ranma said.  
  
**”Ranma!?** Doll-Nabiki said, “What… you’re… the girl…. You…”  
  
“Are you a _girl?”_ Doll-Kasumi said. All three sisters turned a faint pale green. “Oh… oh god.”  
  
_Well yeah. Of course she is._ Nabiki said, pulling herself out of the bath. _She’s enchanted to turn into a man when hot water’s put on her._  
  
“Ah… I… see…” Doll-Nabiki said.  
  
“Uh… yeah it’s this curse and…” Ranma trailed off, not really wanting to explain it to some crazy dolls.  
  
“Well then!” Doll-Nabiki said, “It seems that… err… we were about to make a horrible mistake.”  
  
“Huh?”  
  
“Oh yes. We want a husband, not a…. wife.” Doll-Akane shuddered. “Come here, we’ll give you your bodies back.”  
  
“Wait… what? That’s it? You’re giving my fiancee’s bodies back just like that?”  
  
Akane bopped Ranma on the head, _Do not look a gift horse in the mouth idiot!  
  
He still can’t hear you Akane._ Kasumi said.  
  
_He can hear me in spirit._ Ranma did, in fact, get the point and clammed up.  
  
“Yes.” Doll-Kasumi said, “No offense but… we’re not **those** type of people.”  
  
_Oh dear I feel like we should be offended._ Kasumi said, _But, as long as you’ll give us our bodies back and stop trying to seduce our future spouse, I suppose we can let bygones be bygones._  
  
“Well that’s fine by me!” Ranma said, climbing out of the hot spring with the three dolls, “So… uh… what? Do I just give them to you?”  
  
“Yes.” Doll-Nabiki said, “Well girls, here’s your… fiancee? Back.” As the three dolls jumped into the  
  
“And frankly, you can keep him!” Doll-Akane said, before all three sisters suddenly became slack. Their hands dropped the now still dolls, and their heads hung forwards slightly.  
  
“Err… guys?” Ranma said, staring at the slightly unnerving sight of the three girls. “Nabiki?” he waved his hand in front of her, no response. Sneaking forward, he poked Akane’s forehead, “Akane?” Next, he pinched her cheek, “You awake in ther-”  
  
_Smack!_ Pure reflex, Akane’s hand lashed out and smacked Ranma on the cheek. This, of course, spun him around because Akane has a great right. “Ranma don’t-” Akane paused, “I’m in my body again!”  
  
“Great.” Nabiki said, waking up herself. Then she noticed the scene in front of her, “And I think Ranma might be leaving his soon though.”  
  
You see, Ranma had collided with Kasumi. Now she was fully aware again, and the two were laying on the ground. Ranma’s eyes were wide, locked into hers. But, more importantly, Ranma’s hands had found an interesting place to be.  
  
You see, Kasumi’s yakuta was loose thanks to the Dolls. And thanks to her having planned on going to a bath… she was not actually wearing anything under that yakuta. Thus, again thanks to the fact that the universe is perverse, Ranma’s hands had slid _under her Yakuta._ His right was unintentionally squeezing Kasumi’s breast, and Ranma realized that she was the most… gifted… of his fiancee’s in this manner. He could feel a hardening nub under his palm, and Kasumi’s breathing became heavy.  
  
Then Akane noticed where Ranma’s hand was, “What are you doing with Kasumi!?” She shouted, and was ready to deliver divine retribution.  
  
“Sorry!” Ranma shouted, jumping away from the eldest, “You knocked me into her!”  
  
“Well I sure as hell didn’t make you grope her!”  
  
“Akane, it’s fine.” Kasumi stood up, her face slightly red. “It was an accident, and we are engaged.”  
  
Seeing as Kasumi was not angry, Akane’s own anger quickly deflated.  
  
“Well now.” Nabiki picked up “her” doll. “Let’s get these back before they cause any more trouble.  


* * *

  
  
“Oh my god!” The innkeeper said once the four came back with the dolls, “Are you OK sir, madams?”  
  
“We’re fine now.” Ranma grumbled, “The hell you doing putting a dangerous thing like these three crazy monsters out in the open!”  
  
“Well, sir, um, you see…” The innkeeper trailed off, her face reddening a little. “The dolls will only become active if they’re exposed to a man.”  
  
“And you put them in a hallway?” Nabiki asked, “They get exposed to plenty of men.”  
  
“No. Not like that. I mean, as in… **exposed** to a man. They have to see his body, unhampered by clothing.  
  
There was a long, painful, awkard silence.  
  
“So… Ranma had to strip naked in front of them.” Akane said flatly.  
  
“Well, just no pants would do. Last year a drunk college student…”  
  
Nobody heard the rest of the innkeeper’s explanation. Instead all three sisters turned to stare at Ranma, and aura of impending doom filling the air.  
  
“My dear Ranma.” Nabiki said in an ice cold tone, “Please explain why you thought showing the world your dick was a good idea.”  
  
“Errr…. There’s a **very** good reason for that.” Ranma said.  
  
“Oh I’d love to hear it Ranma.” Even Kasumi did not sound happy. Akane just cracked her knuckles.  
  
Ranma grabbed Kasumi and Akane, “Come here you two!” he dragged them both away from Nabiki and the innkeeper.  
  
“Well?” Akane hissed once they were sufficiently far, “What is it?”  
  
“Look. Remember Akane? I jumped just as this mess started.” Ranma whispered.  
  
“Oh yes… Akane said this was your second?” Kasumi said just as quietly.  
  
“Yeah… look, just before I did I was getting undressed. I jump, and down goes my pants without me realizing it.”  
  
Realization dawned on Akane and Kasumi’s faces, “So… it was an accident?”  
  
“You really should be careful about that. You told me early on you jumped more randomly.” Kasumi chided.  
  
“I know that **now."** Ranma said. “So look, total accident OK?”  
  
“Well?” Nabiki asked when they returned.  
  
“It was an accident Nabiki.” Kasumi said.  
  
"Oh, sure. An accident. I bet he slipped, tripped and caught his trouser pockets on a door handle." Nabiki drawled, gesturing to the traditional Japanese style building they were in,thus lacking door handles.  
  
“It’s personal Nabiki.” Akane said.  
  
Nabiki glanced between the two sisters, before a smirk formed, “Oh I see. So with Akane around Ranma accidentally dropped his pants huh?”  
  
Ranma’s jaw dropped and Akane’s face reddened. “It’s not-” The two tried to protest.  
  
“Are you in a relationship?” The innkeeper said.  
  
“He’s our fiance.” Kasumi explained.  
  
“Oh… well… I think you should keep that to your rooms.” The innkeeper blushed.  
  
Ranma and Akane both really wished that they were dead right about now.  


* * *

  
  
Thankfully, the remainder of the little vacation went fairly smoothly. They enjoyed the baths, didn’t worry about cursed dolls, and generally enjoyed themselves.  
  
Ranma lost multiple card games before finally demanding they play Go or something. Genma and Soun eventually woke up, thankfully not having any idea what happened. All in all, they enjoyed themselves a great deal. Although Ranma was forced to wear a tight belt to make sure he had no more "accidents".  
  
Still, eventually things must end, and so after three days of relaxation they packed up and were heading out.  
  
“Daddy I need to talk to Ranma for a bit, we’ll catch up.” Nabiki said suddenly.  
  
“Hmm? OK.” Soun said, “Come on Saotome, we can carry these to the rental.” Genma grumbled at the prospect of doing work, but Ranma’s glare made him agree without much issue.  
  
“So what’s this about?” Ranma asked.  
  
“Well, Ranma, you see, there’s a matter of a debt you need to settle Ranma.” Nabiki said, having changed from a yukata to a sundress for the trip home.  
  
“Really I know exactly how much I owe you, and I’m not going to pay it now.” Ranma said.  
  
“Oh I’m not talking about **money,** Ranma Saotome.” Nabiki said, her expression disturbingly cat like. “Thanks to those dolls you saw me naked.”  
  
“Er…” Ranma blushed at the memory, “I saw all three of you!”  
  
“But you had already seen my sisters, remember?” Nabiki smirked, “Kind of an interesting way for Kasumi and Akane to find out you were a man, eh?”  
  
Ranma blinked, realizing Nabiki must be talking about the bath shortly after his arrival… and before he switched with the Ranma of this world and started jumping around time and space. “Well.. uh… I guess.”  
  
“You’ve already paid for them, but not me.” Nabiki leaned in, her hands now placed on Ranma’s shoulders, “Doesn’t seem fair, no? I didn’t get anything from you and you’ll know exactly what I look like under this outfit… though, not how I feel. I bet you’ll remember **that** little tidbit about Kasumi.”  
  
By this point Ranma’s face was a furnace, “S-so?”  
  
“I’m taking my fee now.” She said, before pulling Ranma into a kiss.  
  
It was the second time, from his perspective, that Nabiki had kissed him and she was just as much a selfish kisser this time. Her tongue forced its way into his mouth, her arms pulling him tight, one hand flagrantly squeezing his butt. His energy sucked out of him, by the time she pulled away Ranma was breathing heavily and leaning against the wall. “That… ah…”  
  
“Oh my.”  
  
Ranma’s head jerked to the left to see Kasumi and Akane both peering over the door, Akane’s face red and Kasumi giggling.  
  
“100 Yen each.” Nabiki said dryly.  
  
Kasumi pulled out two coins, “Here you go. Congratulations.”  
  
“Where’s my cut.” Ranma grumbled.  
  
Kasumi and Akane Akane, both suddenly grinning, were at both sides of him. Before the other two sisters kissed him on the cheek. “Better?” Kasumi asked.  
  
Akane just smirked, clearly enjoying flustering him.  
  
Ranma tried to say no, but found he couldn’t make words any more.  


* * *

  
  
Finally, Ranma collapsed into his futon at the Tendo Dojo. “What a trip.” he said to himself, before pulling out the notebook that contained his flowchart. “Why the hell didn’t this thing warn me about this mess?” He muttered as he flipped through the pages. The flowcharts were very generalized, it didn’t give him any information, just general advice. Why not warn himself about events that might be a problem? It would make his life so much eas-  
  
He stopped at a two page spread.

>   
>    
>  **DO NOT TRY AND CHANGE EVENTS THAT HAVE ALREADY HAPPENED TO YOU.  
>    
>  YOU _WILL_ REGRET IT.**  
>    
> 

While that answered his question, it raised more that Ranma wasn’t quite sure he wanted to know the answer to. Closing the notebook and hiding it away again, Ranma yawned and went to sleep.  


* * *

  
  
When Ranma woke up, he noticed that someone was in bed with him. Had he jumped again? Perhaps after the wedding? His eyes opened… to see Shampoo laying across from him.  
  
This was different. The last time Ranma had seen Shampoo, she had been trying to murder him. Now she was sleeping peacefully… wearing nothing but a white button up shirt. OK, what was going on?  
  
“Well good morning Ranma.” A familiar cold voice said.  
  
Ranma looked up, seeing Akane and Nabiki in school uniforms looking down at him. Neither looked happy. “Uh… good morning?” Ranma said. “Err… why is she here?” He said, pointing at the chinese girl.  
  
“That’s a good question Ranma!” Akane said in a cheerful tone that filled him with dread. “Perhaps **you** can answer that?”  
  
“I… jumped…?” Ranma said.  
  
“Jumped? What? Jumped for joy at your new amazon fiancee?” Akane snapped. Amazon **what?**  
  
“Oh I bet he’s so glad to not have to deal with all of us Akane.” Nabiki said, her voice freezing his bones.  
  
It was at this point that Shampoo suddenly latched onto Ranma, “Wo Ai Ni…” She murmured, still asleep but clutching him like a teddy bear.  
  
Akane’s eye twitched.  


* * *

  
  
Sailing out the window, Ranma landed with a splash into the koi pond. “Gah…!” Ranma looked around. The season was clearly different. She had jumped again, and earlier in the timeline to boot if Akane didn’t know about the jumping.  
  
“Ran… ma?” That’s when Ranma remembered Shampoo, and turned around slowly to see the look of pure murderous rage that he expected to see on her face. “Female Ranma!” She shouted, pulling from… somewhere, a giant sword, “I kill!”  
  
“Crap!” Akane said from his room, “I didn’t mean to throw him into the pond.”  
  
“He’ll live Akane.” Nabiki said.  


* * *

  
  
Luckily Ranma caught on pretty quickly to what was going on, especially after seeing a copy of Shampoo’s village laws sitting on his dresser.  
  
Still, **that** was a pain. Especially when Shampoo somehow erased Akane’s memory of him. Still, in the end he got her back and Shampoo left for China…  
  
Only for Ranma to jump **again** and meet his old buddy Ucchan.  
  
_”That’s a pity, a cute girl like you…”_  
  
In hindsight those were perhaps the wrong words to use, but before he could try and clear things up…  
  
_”Ranma, I will destroy your happiness!”_  
  
On the bright side, he now knew **why** he needed to keep that stupid pig out of Akane’s room.  
  
_”What? Engaged to the fair Akane Tendo? I, the Blue Thunder, will not permit it!”_  
  
Kicking Kuno in the face **is** the best option, who knew?  
  
Thankfully the jumps weren’t quite as sudden as the first two. He usually had a week or two to settle into things before a risk of another one came out.  
  
And so, with a sudden transition from **finally** after two other jumps getting that blasted Phoenix Pill from that wretched old monkey Ranma ended up…


	5. The Phoenix Blade!

So, one moment Ranma Saotome was sitting down. About to enjoy a nice meal that Akane had helpfully prepared for him (though it was strange, his notes were quite adamant that he should do everything he could to avoid her cooking) and the next thing he knew he was chewing on something with a completely bland taste, with a terrible texture that was almost like fabric.  
  
Then he realised that he was standing in the middle of a street and that the thing he was attempting to eat was a pair of women's underwear.  
  
"Pervert!" a strange woman yelled, bopping an unprepared Ranma on the head with an umbrella. "It's not enough that you're helping that old man steal women's underwear, you have to taste them too?!"  
  
Huh? What? What?!  
  
"Goodness me Ranma me boy!" a shrivelled up monkey said, hopping right in front of him while carrying a bag. "Even I am willing to wait for some privacy before having a taste! Ohoho! You'll make a fine student yet!"  
  
Huh... Ranma's danger sense was tripping up a storm. Also, there was a sound almost like the rumble of thunder right behind him. He turned around and beheld, to his dismay, a group of rather irritated looking women and girls, each brandishing mops, brooms, vacuum cleaners, and other such cleaning tools repurposed as weaponry. Though one housewife had a naginata.  
  
“Gotta avoid Yumi, she’s a third Dan with that blade.” The old man whispered. He patted Ranma on the shoulder, let out a sound that was either a braying jackass or a maniacal lecherous laugh and then hopped off onto the nearest rooftop while screaming "What a haul! What a haul!"  
  
Ranma tossed aside the panties he'd been chewing on, tried to forget what it tasted like and really sincerely wished that he'd had a bite of Akane's odd looking fish stew instead. It would be a few more jumps before he learned how lucky this miss had been, but for now he was genuinely irate at the timing of the jump and that old man seemed like a fair target for letting out some of his irritation.  
  
"Hey! Panty thieving monkey!" Ranma called out, leaping up to the rooftop away from the gathering crowd just before they reached him. To his amazement the old creep had managed a fair distance already "Get back here! Give those women their panties back!"  
  
"Their panties? You mean my sweet haul!" was the reply. Ew, gross! "My silky darlings have been rescued! Tralala, catch me if you can Ranma my boy! It'll be good for your training!"  
  
Oh, he was absolutely not looking forward to getting to know this old man in the past/future.  
  
"Ranma Saotome! You vile cur! Mind where you place your feet!"  
  
And speaking of people he'd rather not get to know, in his attempt to kick the old man Ranma's foot met the face of one Tatewaki Kuno. Admittedly that was a feeling that would probably never grow old, but still it did make the idiot toss some weird looking egg right up into the air. Rolling his eyes, Ranma reached up and snatched it out of the air. He wasn't the kind of guy to want to have to owe this Kuno jerk anything, not least because of some stupid egg.  
  
"Here you go," he said, placing the egg right on top of the dummy's head. "Have a hat. It suits you!"  
  
Weirdly it didn't seem like Kuno especially agreed with that assessment. His hand slowly reached up and patted the egg perched on top of his head in total disbelief. "You... Have done something completely forbidden!" Kuno announced. He looked to the left, looked to the right. “Thankfully there are no women about so it’s not too late to salvage-”  
  
  
Ranma would one day learn that tempting fate like that was never a good idea, the cloudy sky deciding this was the perfect time to start raining was a great example of this.  
  
"Ah, my beloved!" Kuno called, scooping Ranma up into a tight embrace. She slipped right on out of that right away! Yuck, she'd rather try eating those panties again! "You return to your true form, and just in the nick of time!"  
  
"Huh? True form?" Ranma grunted. Ah, but then the egg began to crack. Bright light shone out of those cracks, as though there was some great inferno contained within the egg waiting to be let out. Then the shells exploded outwards and all around had to cover their eyes to keep the light from blinding them. It was brilliant, it was dazzling, it was -  
  
"Squaaaark!"  
  
A fat doofy looking bird sitting on top of Kuno's head. Ranma stared up at it in yet more disbelief. What the hell had she jumped into this time? The bird's eyes creaked open, settled in on Ranma with an ominous weight, and then -  
  
It suddenly darted forwards without a hint of warning, its beak pecking out like a pneumatic drill with a precision and speed so intense that Ranma couldn't keep track of it at all! This attack - this bird - This was unthinkable, unimaginable and terrible! It was... It was!  
  
"Unbuttoning my shiiiiirt!" Ranma screamed, grabbing hold of the two halves of her now fully unbuttoned shirt and pulling it closed. The bird struck again, pecking at the backs of her hands until she left them alone. "Hey, what's the big idea!" she yelled, moving in to strike - only for another burst of blinding light to shine off from the bird! While Ranma was blinded there was another flurry of motion that she would not have been able to block even if she could see, and then her trousers were down about her ankles as the rope around her waist had been completely untied and tossed aside like garbage!  
  
"Ah, it is even more splendid than I have imagined!" Kuno crooned. He grabbed hold of Ranma's hands and kissed the back of them. Yuck! This was getting more gross by the second! "The irresistible seduction technique, the sword of the phoenix! The legends were true!"  
  
Irresistible seduction technique? What was this loser on about? Anyone that needed something like that was as bad as that old man so far as Ranma could tell!  
  
"I had been merely transporting this egg for safe keeping," Kuno bemoaned, even putting the back of his hand against his forehead. "Yet it seems as though fate had other ideas in mind. Now, Ranma Saotome! You will have no choice at all but to agree. You shall become my wife, the fair Tendo sisters shall become your male form's wives... and then we shall all be a big happy family together, without breaking the law of the land!" He whipped out a pair of paper fans and laughed. "It is destined! There is no escaping it! Ohohohoho!"  
  
Oh, and here was Ranma thinking that kicking Kuno in the face was a good idea _before_. She had no idea that this guy had such perverted plans for his girl form. And that doofy looking bird was giving her the evil eye. She had to work out something before this situation got even -  
  
"Hi Ranma!" Akane cheered. "Hi Kuno," she jeered. "Wait a minute... Ranma! Put some clothes on! You could always have at least a little bit of feminine modesty in that form!"  
  
Her voice caught the bird's attention. Huh? Wait... it was looking at Akane now, the exact same way it had looked at Ranma right when it had hatched! Hang on... Didn't that mean it was going to -  
  
"W-Wait, foolish bird! Cease at once!" Kuno yelled, but the bird was quite clearly not interested. It hauled him physically along right towards Akane, squawking and flapping its wings all the way. Honestly, under normal conditions he'd have found this view pretty funny, but given what that bird had done so far... "My target is Ranma Saotome! Do not attack Akane Tendo, she will be mine in due course without your assistance!"  
  
"Akane, run!" Ranma yelled.  
  
“Huh? Run? Ranma it’s Kuno he’s-” That’s when the bird reached Akane’s chest and started pulling up her blouse. **”Gah! Pervert!** The arm holding Akane’s umbrella tried to smash down Kuno’s head to the ground, but the bird flew to the left and started tugging up her skirt!  
  
"Ah! Sweet paradise!" Kuno said, and wouldn't you know it that was the very last nerve. Ranma tugged her trousers up and strode forward, planting her foot right on the small of Kuno's back. "Ooh, yes! I always knew that you preferred dominant play, Ranma Saotome!"  
  
"If I say run, then you -" Ranma began to yell, right until he noticed what the bird had done to Akane's blouse. It had been all bunched up, the material pulled up and tucked into her breasts. It was showing off quite a bit. Not as much as Ranma had seen in the hotspring that one time, but... Oh gosh, it was warm out here all of a sudden.  
  
"Oh no, it's simply terrible!" yelled an old man. A different old man. This guy actually had something that resembled a normal human figure. He pulled out a camera and quickly took pictures of both Ranma and Akane, which very nearly made Ranma stand off of Kuno's back - until the bird started pulling towards Akane again. "The perverted Phoenix has been unleashed atop the head of a complete and total degenerate! Now it shall unleash the torment of its irresistible seduction technique upon countless women until his no doubt endless lust is sated!"  
  
"Akane, could you please grab that guy by the scruff of the neck for me?" Ranma asked.  
  
"Yes dear," Akane tersely answered, stomping off towards the old man. Gosh, but something about that angry walk made Ranma feel funny. She grabbed the guy by the lapels and lifted him up. "Like this?"  
  
"Great. Now ask him what the hell this bird's all about."  
  
"What the hell is this bird all about?" Akane yelled. Then turned back to look at Ranma. "Like that?" She nodded in agreement.  
  
"That bird... is the accursed perverted Phoenix -"  
  
"We got that part already!" Ranma interrupted. Then she noticed they were drawing quite the crowd of people. Several of them also taking pictures. Of her. Of Akane... "Guh! Let's - Let's get back home and discuss this there! You've got a lot of explaining to do old man! And you'd better come to, Kuno!"  
  
"Inviting me to your home!" Kuno swooned. "Oh, the technique is working its magic already. By tomorrow night we shall be in each other's arms, and you can forget all about curses and boy forms! "  
  
Ranma’s face turned a little green, “Why is he doing this.” she muttered to himself, before stomping harder onto Kuno’s back, “Shut up you little-” This, tragically, gave the bird leverage to leap at her again. “Gaaaahhh!”  
  


* * *

  
  
If there was anything at all that Soun Tendo did not much care for about the modern age, it was the bizarre fashion sense of the latest generation. This feeling was compounded somewhat when he beheld his youngest daughter strolling in through the front gate with her skirt half hanging off her waist, her blouse mostly unbuttoned and her sleeves partly off her shoulders.  
  
"Akane, you'll catch your death of cold if you dress like that," he warned, and in so warning earned himself a rather hot stare from Akane's aura-head. Oh! He'd taught his daughters his favourite technique far too well! Ah, he caught a familiar glimpse of red that could only be Ranma's shirt and so he turned towards him to ask Ranma to make sure that Akane was not indulging in this ludicrous fashion trend - only for him to begin to weep as he saw that even boys could not be truly safe from- oh dear it was even worse when the boy was a girl. The barely buttoned shirt… well.. Soun coughed and tried to look stern. “Son, what do you have to say letting yourself and fiance dress like-”  
  
_Tink tink tink tink tink_ Soun noticed that behind Ranma was the Kuno boy. And on the Kuno boy’s head was what looked like a giant chicken nugget with eyes and a beak, pecking at a pane of glass Ranma was holding behind her.  
  
This was about the time where Soun's shoulders sagged and he decided to take Genma up on that offer to go out drinking tonight. If this was how life was when he was sober, then being drunk couldn't make the world make any less sense.  
  


* * *

  
  
So there they were, sitting around the table. Just the four of them. Ranma, Akane, Kuno and the old shopkeeper who sold the egg to Kuno in the first place. Kuno was sitting with his arms crossed and eyes closed, while both Ranma and Akane were glowering a hole through the old man's head.  
  
"Well?" Akane eventually asked. "What's this stupid perverted pigeon thing supposed to be?"  
  
"Perverted phoenix!" the old man corrected. He took out his camera, and again took a quick picture of the two of them. Ranma cracked her knuckles. She wouldn't actually hit a weak looking old guy like him if she could help it, but he didn't have to know that. "Oh, it's terrible! It's awful! Sharing this secret is so shameful that I probably wouldn't do it even if I was slapped in the face with a big roll of cash!"  
  
Kuno reached into his pocket, pulled out a wad of cash, and then slapped the old man in the face with it.  
  
"Alright, then I suppose I should get on with it!" Oh, he was one of _those_ kinds of shopkeepers. You know. An idiot. "The Perverted Phoenix was once a perfectly ordinary Phoenix."  
  
"A perfectly ordinary bird made of fire that reproduces by burning itself to ashes," Akane deadpanned. Both Ranma and Kuno looked at her askance. "What? I really like Greek mythology. I can have hobbies and interests outside of martial arts!"  
  
“Like cooking?” Ranma asked, thinking of her time pre-jump.  
  
Her expression brightened, “Yeah!”  
  
“Not that kind of Phoenix girl!” The shopkeeper shouted, “The other kind. Though… err... Yes this will burst into flame and be reborn into a new egg someday.”  
  
“So it is that kind.” Ranma nodded. Honestly, at this point she was kind of expecting it the second the shopkeeper had denied it. Gosh, this jumping around had made her cynical pretty quickly hadn't it? Or maybe it was a lifetime of dealing with her old man that had done the trick?  
  
"Anyway!" the shopkeeper interrupted. "This particular phoenix was bred by a lonely old letch to help him find female companionship. The bird took his lessons to heart, and then, alas, that perverted old fool passed on before he could make use of these lessons... But the bird still remained. Throughout the ages, those unfortunate enough to place the phoenix's egg upon their head have found themselves with the unending curse... Of a harem full of women they find sexually appealing, hanging around them dressed in skimpy clothing! Oh, the humanity! Oh the unnecessary eroticism!"  
  
“How is that a curse for the man and not for the women!?” Akane shouted, holding up the pane of glass as the bird noticed her. Her unbuttoned blouse slipped a bit, and Ranma had to turn away in case she saw something that she wasn't meant to.  
  
"Oh dear me, no. The women all like it, according to the historical records. Something about the bright light of the Phoenix having a calming, soothing effect?"  
  
Ah. Now Ranma's eye was twitching quite a bit. "A calming soothing effect?! There's nothing at all calming and soothing about that bird! We've got to keep that stupid bird from going after anyone else!"  
  
"Who wants ice cream?" Kasumi called, entering the room, and immediately the bird noticed her. While both Ranma and Akane did their best to hold Kuno back, all they managed to do was accidentally tear his hakama right off his back, and long story short, now Kasumi had joined them around the table wearing only an apron and her underwear. "Well, I did not expect anyone would be so enthusiastic about dessert..." Kasumi mused.  
  
"My most sincere apologies," Kuno said, now sitting at the table with only his trousers on. "Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that you, the innocent Miss Kasumi Tendo, become a victim of the dreaded bird!"  
  
"Well, the bird does imprint on women that the technique's user finds appealing," the old man said. "So, at some level you must desire her..."  
  
“Well, she is a very lovely and traditional young woman.” Kuno admitted, “And I must say that apron is quite-” Akane threw a pillow into Kuno’s face.  
  
“Eyes off Kasumi!” Akane yelled. "And eyes off me! And off of Ranma too!"  
  
"Hmph!" Kuno sulked. "Well, at the very least you can take solace in the fact that Nabiki Tendo is safe from this bird's attacks. That girl is utterly repulsive. Her behaviour, reprehensible. She’s a demon! A monster wearing women’s skin. Oh Nabiki Tendo! She’s-”  
  
“Behind you Kuno-baby.” Nabiki had come in mid-Kuno Rant. “So why is Kasumi putting on a show? Did Ranma finally make a move?”  
  
**”Squaaakkkkkk!!!”** The bird rotated and locked eyes with Nabiki, and charged forward with Kuno being dragged behind it! Only to hit the book Nabiki had been holding.  
  
“Well this is interesting. New pet?” Nabiki said.  
  
“Four women? This young man is quite the letcher.” The shopkeeper said, before whipping out the camera and taking a picture of Kasumi. "The bird will stop imprinting on new women according to its host's levels of brazen depraved lustful urges, you see. Usually most are satisfied with two or three, it's actually rather rare for someone to be sick in the head enough to want four."  
  
Ranma wondered just how that logic worked. Of course, she had three wives technically so she probably shouldn’t speak up about that. Especially not when there was another question on her mind.  
  
"So... What now?"  


* * *

One downside of Ranma coming to make honest women out of his daughters was that Soun found himself driven to Drink more often. Where as before it was just Akane who got pulled into incidents once Ranma showed up even Nabiki and Kasumi were all getting involved in whatever nonsense the world threw out at Martial Artists.  
  
Still, Ranma could take care of them thus far, so once he woke up, he took some aspirin for the hangover and went out to greet the day.  
  
“Good morning Father.” Kasumi, in the kitchen as usual to prepare breakfast.  
  
“Good morning Kasumi.” Soun smiled at his sweet daughter. So lovely and pure, modestly taking care of her family. An apron on her-  
  
“Father?” Kasumi said.  
  
“Kasumi, daughter…” Soun said, “What are you wearing?”  
  
“Oh?” Kasumi looked down at her apron. “Don’t worry father. I’m wearing clothing under it.” She said with a pure smile, taking off her apron.  
  
Soun almost wished she hadn’t been. What his oldest daughter was wearing was a black tube top, exposing plenty of cleavage. Enough of those amply sized breasts were exposed that any red blooded man would want to dive into and made Soun want to kill whoever tried. And, and a matching _mini-skirt._ Soun hadn’t even known Kasumi had mini-skirts! Or tube tops!  
  
“W-where did you get that outfit!?” Soun stammered.  
  
“Hmm? I don’t remember. It was a store? Couple months ago Father.” Kasumi shrugged.  
  
She’s had that outfit for months!? “W-who… who… who thought you should wear such a thing!?”  
  
Kasumi smiled, “I did father. I thought Ranma might like it.” Her smile told Soun that Ranma had, in fact, “liked it.”  
  
“You… you’ll wear something like that for him…?” Soun swallowed a lump. Just how far had he gone with his daughters!? Soun repressed the urge to find his spear and kill Ranma. He was his future son in law. This was bound to happen. This was normal. He was a teenage boy once and-  
  
“Morning Daddy.” Nabiki came into the living room in a red bikini.  
  
Alright where was his sword!  
  
"It's in my underwear drawer," Nabiki immediately said as though she had read his mind. Curses, the one place Soun could never take it from.  
  
“Good morning Nabiki.” Kasumi said, “Sleep well?”  
  
“As well as I could.” Nabiki yawned, “I had to sleep in my underwear to get left alone.”  
  
“Really I just used one of my smaller nighties.” Nighties? Kasumi has sleepwear other than modest nightgowns!?  
  
“I didn’t want to risk them being torn. Those things are pricy you know.” Nabiki said.  
  
Torn? What sort of games were they playing with Ranma!? Soun sat down at the table. He wanted to ask, wanted to shout, wanted to strangle the boy having relations with his daughters. Perhaps most importantly, he wanted a drink. But Kasumi would never let him have booze in the morning.  
  
“W-where’s Ranma?” Soun asked.  
  
**”SQUAAKKK!!”**  
  
“Out back I think.” Nabiki said.  
  
“Get away you dumb bird!” The voice of Ranma’s cursed form shouted.  
  
“Please Ranma, stop holding back your true desires!”  
  
“My only desire is to kick your ass!”  
  
"Ah, if I must be the sub then so be it!"  
  
"Pervert!  
  
From the backyard Ranma and Kuno emerged from behind the dojo. That giant bird thing was on Kuno’s head, and it was doing its best to tear off Ranma’s shirt. It already had several tears in it.  
  
“...why is that boy still here?” Soun asked.  
  
“The bird won’t let Kuno-baby leave.” Nabiki said.  
  
“Yes and if we don’t wear more revealing clothing… well Ranma’s showing what happens.” Kasumi added. Oh so that was it. Kuno was forcing his daughters to dress like sluts.  
  
**Where was his grandfather’s WW2 Rifle!?**  
  
“Akane’s underwear drawer.”  
  
... The daggers he'd acquired from that ninja clan?  
  
"My underwear drawer."  
  
“...Are all the family weapons in your underwear drawers?” Soun asked.  
  
"No," Nabiki answered. "We couldn't fit the claymore you acquired during that one holiday to Europe anywhere in our drawers, so instead we put it in Happosai's room.”  
  
“It was tied to a string over the door, but Grandfather avoided it. So it’s just stuck in the floor now.” Kasumi said, “He said it was a nice try though.”  
  
Ranma landed in front of the table, her shirt slightly more torn. “Damn it stay away from me!”  
  
“I come my love!” Kuno flew towards Ranma.  
  
Kasumi poured a kettle of Ranma’s head. In an instant the bird stopped.  
  
“How dare you force my love beneath your twisted form again.” Kuno said, and then Ranma kicked him in the face, sending him flying in a different direction.  
  
“You’re the last one who should be calling anybody twisted!” Ranma shouted, and then turned around to notice two of his fiancees. “Erp.”  
  
“Good morning Ranma.” Nabiki said, clutching his arm and encasing it between her bikini bound breasts. “Thanks for kicking away Kuno-baby for a bit.”  
  
Soun opened the fridge and pulled out can of beer. He was **done** with this day.  
  


* * *

  
  
Meanwhile, up in Akane’s room. The owner of said room was sitting on her bed, in her normal pajamas. She had shoved her dresser in front of the door overnight, and was not going to leave this room until that perverted bird was gone!  
  
Then her stomach made a sound like a wolf on the prowl. No! She would not give into this temptation! She could last a day without food! She wasn’t like Ranma! She didn’t need to eat constantly because she kept bouncing around-  
  
_Growwwlll..._  
  
“Uggg…” Akane groaned, “I can’t… I just…”  
  
The door knocked. “Oy, Akane? You in there?”  
  
“Ranma!” Akane’s mood instantly improved, “It’s locked, what do you want?”  
  
“We have breakfast.” Kasumi said. “Kuno’s bothering Nabiki.”  
  
“You mean Nabiki’s sucking his wallet dry.” Akane said.  
  
"Same difference!" Ranma said.  
  
Akane stood up, picking up a shinai with her hand in case Kuno did try and burst in, and quickly unlocked the door. Luckily, Ranma and Kasumi quickly slid in, Ranma locking the door again.  
  
“Oh thank god!” Akane quickly grabbed the tray from Kasumi, falling upon the breakfast like a ravenous predator. Once breakfast was over, she looked up and noticed the outfit Kasumi was wearing. “Oh.. oh god I feel so sorry for you Kasumi.”  
  
Kasumi smiled, “It’s fine.”  
  
“Yeah but, I mean… you’re wearing that and Kuno of all people can see it.”  
  
Ranma’s head jerked away from Kasumi, “She’s worn that before?”  
  
Oh? So Ranma had at some point jumped in from time before he had seen her in that outfit? Akane felt an urge to pull a Nabiki. “Oh yes. I have a matching outfit. No way I’m going to wear it with Kuno around.”  
  
Ranma choked on nothing. “Y-you too?” He looked away from the two girls, “A-and Nabiki?”  
  
“No not Nabiki. It was when we went on… a date.” Kasumi said. “Me, Akane, and you. Nabiki’s a bit of a late bloomer.”  
  
Akane remembered that “date” had been one of the craziest nights of her life. But it had been pretty worth it in the end. She and Kasumi locked eyes. Kasumi smiled and nodded a little. Well, they were in a locked room and Soun didn’t seem interested in doing much today with that phoenix nonsense.  
  
Kasumi sat down on the bed, “Why not sit down Ranma?” She patted next to her, “You’ve been dealing with that phoenix so much.”  
  
“Uh, OK.” Ranma sat down next to Kasumi, “It’s not to bad. Kuno’s just a pain.”  
  
“Tell me about it.” Akane sat down next to him, “He was always this perverted weirdo. He’s been stalking us since, god… how long?”  
  
“He gave me lots of flowers in middle school.” Kasumi said, a little laugh. “Flattering… if he hadn’t given them to half the girls in the class.”  
  
“Basically because we’re the only ones who didn’t fall at his feet when he looked in our direction he just started getting more obsessed.” Akane said.  
  
“Man what a loser.” Ranma said, laughing. So he didn’t notice that two sets of fingers were tracing the tears in his shirt. “Can’t he get a girlfriend who can stand him?”  
  
Akane decided to not mention that Mariko girl. Apparently Ranma had not met her yet from his POV. (Honestly the fact that she was still dating him even as Kuno chased three and a half other girls was kind of creepy.) “Well, luckily you don’t have to worry about that.”  
  
“...err…” That threw Ranma off, “I mean, there’s that, uh, whole arranged thing and…” Ranma suddenly noticed that Kasumi had somehow slid from being on the bed to being on his lap. Akane wrapped her arms around his shoulders, and Ranma realized he was being tightly sandwiched between the two girls. “And.. uh… we’re…”  
  
Behind Ranma’s back, the two sisters dropped their fists down three times, with the last one having Akane making a palm and Kasumi having two fingers extended.  
  
“We’re very close Ranma.” Kasumi said, and kissed him, pressing her, well, barely contained chest against his.  
  
Now, a brief view of Ranma’s thoughts.  
  
_W-wait they’re both hugging me really close OH GOD KASUMI’S KISSING ME. Oh man this feels good why’d she not do this sort of thing at the wedding or is it will do this sort of thing whatever maybe I should try something huh Akane’s grabbing my hands what’s she doing with her AAAAAAAAA SHE TOOK OFF HER TOP. Nice bra oh man. Oh OK Kasumi’s letting me breathe now AKANE’S KISSING ME NOW_  
  
While Akane kept Ranma’s mouth busy, having learned that generally in intimate situations this was the best way to stop him from ruining them, Kasumi didn’t stop kissing him either. Instead she began undoing that torn up shirt, going down his toned and powerful chest.  
  
“You poor thing.” Kasumi said, lingering on some of the bruises caused from pecking. She kissed each bruise, “Alllll better now.” Somehow that was the most erotic thing Ranma had ever had happen to him. She crossed his chest muscles to his abs, before reaching the top of his pants.  
  
Ranma’s eyes bulged out when seeing Kasumi’s hands reach over to grip his pants. Was this happening!? This was a bit beyond kissing! How far had he gotten with the sisters by this point in time!? Akane’s hands grabbed his, and put them on her chest! Oh man oh man oh man-  
  
**THUD.**  
  
All three stopped, looking at the new sound.  
  
**THUD THUD.**  
  
“Who’s there?” Akane asked tentatively.  
  
The door was smashed open, falling to the ground! **”SQUAAKKK!!”** That _fucking phoenix_ dragged Kuno through the air, eyes gleaming.  
  
WHAM! PAK PAK PAK PAK!  
  
“Gaaahhhgh! Get off gett off!” Ranma shouted, the bird slamming into him faster than anything else.  
  
“Ranma Saotome does your lechery know no bounds!” Kuno shouted, swinging his bokken at Ranma as well.  
  
“Ah-ha! I should have warned you!” The old shopkeeper was there, leaning through Akane’s now open window, and a camera in his hand took a picture of Akane and Kasumi. “The phoenix is fiercely protective of its master’s harem. Any other man trying to get at them will immediately enrage it. This will give it a massive power boost, ensuring that the third party sorely regrets their harem tampering!”  
  
“But they’re my fiancees!” Ranma shouted, “OW! OW DAMN IT!” Ranma finally got a hit in, kicking Kuno out through the window and into the sky. “And stay away!”  
  
**”SQUAAKKK!!”** The Phoenix let l out its battle cry, flapping its wings at gale force speed and forcing Kuno around, a blur colliding with Ranma!  
  
“Oh how many happy marriages have been derailed by this phoenix making far too large harems!” The shopkeeper wept.  
  
“Gggg…” Ranma groaned, the stupid bird still pecking at his head.  
  
“Excuse me.”  
  
The men (and bird) turned to the one who had spoke. It was Kasumi. She was standing there, arms clasped in front of her. A calm and peaceful smile on her face.  
  
She also had a massive glowing red battle aura around her, and Akane was backed into a corner trembling a little.  
  
“Mr. Shopkeeper? Do you have the medicine to get the bird off Mr. Kuno’s head?” Kasumi asked in a kind and sweet tone.  
  
“Err, no, I thought I would warn you about the other properties if you girls had a boyfriend or-”  
  
“While waiting outside my sisters room? While the two of us did spent **very personal** time with our future husband? And you watched?”  
  
Oh yeah. The old man had been waiting there the whole time! Ranma was seriously reconsidering not beating the crap out of him.  
  
“I… it takes a couple more hours for the process to finish…”  
  
“Well if you would be so kind as to watch the process. I’d love for it to be ready as soon and as smoothly as possible.” Kasumi said. There were no question marks in her statement.  
  
“O-of course!”  
  
“And leave the camera please.” Again, no question marks.  
  
  
The camera hit the floor, and the old man was gone.  
  
“Mr. Kuno.” Kasumi said, still sounding perfectly pleasant. “Stand up please.”  
  
“O-of course… I will… always offer any favor to a lovely woman like you Kasumi Tendo.”  
  
Kasumi’s smile brightened along with her battle aura. “Very good. Now, Mr. Kuno. Ranma is going to hit you.”  
  
“...pardon?”  
  
“Ranma is going to hit you until I ask him to stop hitting you.” Kasumi said. “Once he is done hitting you, you will leave. Since the phoenix may not let you go far, I suggest waiting in the dojo.”  
  
“...of course.” Kuno said.  
  
Ranma stood up, he felt it. The rage shared between them. Bright blue flames, the flames of blueballs swell up around him.  
  
His fist hits Kuno’s face, and there is only one thought in his mind. _"I hate the Phoenix!"_  
  
Meanwhile, a little winged shithead in China sneezes.  
  


* * *

  
  
Nabiki had set up a beach chair, if she was going to be in a bikini all day she might as well sunbathe. She lowered the book she was reading, Ranma, Kasumi, and Akane had all come down. Ranma was shirtless, and Akane was wearing her school swimsuit. “Hey there Akane. How you taking this.”  
  
That’s when Nabiki noticed the battered and broken remains of a human being, with a squawking lump of feathers on top of where a head should be.  
  
“I… fight… on…” what was once known as Tatewaki Kuno gurgled.  
  
“I never want to see a phoenix again.” Akane said.  
  


* * *

  
  
"Kiema! Handkerchief! Now!"  
  
A long suffering sigh. “Yes Lord Saffron.”  
  


* * *

  
  
Needless to say that after all that it ended rather anti-climatically. The phoenix was too afraid to move when Kasumi started feeding it the Phoenix feed to make it grow up.  
  
“Well now. I’m glad that’s over with.” The shopkeeper picked up the egg the phoenix had left behind, “Oh I will never let this perverted egg out of my sight! Even if somebody slaps me with a wad of bills!”  
  
“I’ll take this one!” Kuno slapped him with another wad of bills. “The ultimate seduction technique will be-”  
  
“D-E-A-R!” A dropkick from the heavens, as a girl in a cheerleader outfit slammed into into the ground. “What's this I hear about some ultimate seduction technique? Like, why do you need that when you have me?”  
  
“Errr…’ Ranma said.  
  
“Oh, that’s, uh, Kuno’s girlfriend.” Akane whispered, “Mariko Konjo, you fight her earlier-slash-later.”  
  
“Kuno if you have a girlfriend why do you keep chasing after my fiance!”  
  
Mariko looked up, “Oh. Hello Ranma.” Her voice becoming cooler, “What brings you h-e-r-e today?”  
  
“...this is where I live.” Ranma said, feeling a bit weirded out at the sudden pressure she put out.  
  
"She's one of the hardest opponents you have fought to date." Kasumi whispered.  
  
“I see! Still trying to pull my dear Tatewaki into your H-A-R-E-M schemes!” She turned up her nose, “Well I’ll be nipping that into the bud.” She picked up the phoenix egg, “Bye-bye!” Taking both it and Kuno over the wall and into the sunset.  
  
“...that was the stupidest thing I’ve seen all week.” Ranma finally said.  
  
Akane mulled this over for a moment. "No. No, it really wasn't."


	6. Reaching new Highs

It had been a week since that terrible Phoenix had ruined Ranma’s day. What Akane had Kasumi had been doing before that stupid bird had barged in had haunted his dreams ever since.  
  
Ranma had checked the calendars and notes. This was the second farthest along he had been in this jumping timeline since the wedding, with only his jump to that hotel with the dolls being further along. Five months of jumping around two every two or three weeks. One may think it odd that in Ranma’s journal/flowchart he kept that he would not write down exactly what base he was hitting with the three girls who he was going to marry at some point in the future. But Ranma wasn’t stupid, he knew there was always a risk of it being discovered. And if he had written “Oh hey guess what I have sex on this date” in it, he could only imagine the hell that would descend upon all of them.  
  
He was having trouble deciding would lead to a worse fate The sisters finding it, or their fathers. Or, perhaps just as terrible, Shampoo, Ukyo, or Kodachi. No. That knowledge was best left to exist only in his mind. Which is why he hadn’t brought it up to anybody, not even the two sisters who had been involved.  
  
Which is why that he was finding this shopping trip so _awkward._ He and Akane were the ones who were going to carry the groceries while Kasumi sought out the perfect deals for lunches and dinners. He wanted to bring it up, to ask what they had been planning and what they wanted to do now.  
  
It weighed on his soul, pressing him down against the ground, beating his head against the pavement- oh wait that was Shampoo landing on him with her bike.  
  
“Ah! Shampoo find Ranma!” Shampoo said.  
  
“Hello Shampoo.” Kasumi said, “We were just going shopping.” She smiled innocently at the chinese girl like she wasn’t grinding her fiance’s face into the concrete.  
  
“Ah, nihao Kasumi. Shampoo bring warnings!” She said.  
  
Ranma pulled himself out from under the bike. “What kind of warnings?” He asked, rubbing his head.  
  
Shampoo pushed a newspaper into Ranma’s face. It was a chinese newspaper, but Ranma saw on the front page was a picture of the Cat Cafe, pictures of himself and Shampoo, and in the corner pictures of Akane and Kasumi.  
  
Kasumi peered over Ranma’s shoulder, “Shampoo, this newspaper says that you and Ranma are married.”  
  
“Aiyah, Kasumi can read Chinese?”  
  
 _"I've been taking correspondence courses,"_ Kasumi said in fluent Chinese.  
  
“Wait a minute, I’m not married to you.” Ranma said.  
  
Shampoo smiled innocently. “Ah, Shampoo no think little white lie hurt people in home village? We get married one day after all!”  
  
“And what are we doing in the article?” Akane asked.  
  
“Reporter asked Shampoo if Ranma had any other wives. Shampoo like Kasumi so said he marry her too!” She said, smiling brightly at Kasumi.  
  
“Well thank you for the consideration Shampoo.” Kasumi said.  
  
“Wait, you always try and trick Ranma to break it off with **me.”** Akane said, “So why would you claim I’m also married to Ranma?”  
  
“Oh it says here Ranma married you out of pity and you spend most of your time cleaning bathrooms and garbage cans.” Kasumi said.  
  
Ranma glanced between Akane and Shampoo. If looks could kill then Shampoo would right now be on fire if the expression on Akane’s face.  
  
“The article says that Akane ‘Says she's a martial artist, but she's more dangerous with a whisk and eggs than she is with her fists.’  
  
Oh yes, the fire would itself be burning now, and Shampoo showed no remorse, if anything she started snickering. “What’s the point of this?” Ranma said.  
  
“Oh. Since Shampoo tell village about future marriage a bit early, they run reports in local newspaper.” Shampoo said, “Enemies of Shampoo might see it, come after Ranma to hurt Shampoo!”  
  
“So because you lied to people about you being married to Ranma, people unconnected to him are going to try and hurt him.” Akane said.  
  
“Akane make it sound like it Shampoo’s fault. What really matter is protect airen!” Shampoo said, before jumping at Ranma with a tackle-hug combo that would have knocked over a lesser man.  
  
“Ah Arien so soft and cuddly- eh?” Shampoo realized she was hugging a teddy bear, which Ranma had pulled out and put in Shampoo’s path.  
  
“So that’s why my horoscope said to bring along a teddy bear today.” Ranma mused. Having decided with Akane and Kasumi at some point that when talking in public about his flowchart/journal to use ‘horoscope.’  
  
“One of these days Shampoo want to see where Ranma get horoscope from.” Shampoo said.  
  
“You done here? I don't have time for your stories and excuses to try and hug me and all…” Ranma asked.  
  
Shampoo frowned, “Ranma have plenty of time to spend with other girls…”  
  
“Well Ranma and Akane are helping me shop.” Kasumi said, “Would you like to help too Shampoo?”  
  
"Shampoo help airen shop! Is need new clothes, Shampoo help model.” She posed, sticking out her hips and chest.  
  
“Not that kind of shopping. Food and necessities.” Akane said flatly.  
  
Shampoo’s expression deflated, “Oh. Well, bye-bye then!” She hopped back on her bike and rode off, “Oh, thanks for gift!” She waved the teddy bear in her hands past them. “Shampoo cherish always!”  
  
A hand gripped Ranma’s shoulder, “Why did you have a gift for Shampoo?” Akane asked.  
  
“I don’t know?” Ranma said, hoping that would work. Akane kicked him in the shin. “Ow! What was that?”  
  
“I don’t know.”  
  
So it didn’t work. Why did it feel like he was going to sleep on the couch tonight when he already had his own separate room?  
  


* * *

  
  
  
Right then, shopping was basically done. Ranma and Akane were both carrying massive piles of food and other household supplies, the piles stacking over their heads. Honestly Ranma could have carried Akane’s load too, but she clearly wanted to help.  
  
“Hmmm..” Kasumi said, “Shampoo is fairly strong.”  
  
Akane scowled. “What’s this about?”  
  
Ranma realized it too, “Yeah, if Shampoo’s worried about them maybe they’re dangerous.”  
  
Akane sighed, “Great. So we have to watch out for some skeleton from Shampoo’s closet jumping out and attacking us.”  
  
“Not from her closet, over!” A voice from the shadows declared, leaping out to land in front of Kasumi. Ranma and Akane peeked from behind their piles of grocers to see a short chinese girl with a brown cloak covering her body. "I come from her garden, over!"  
  
“Well hello there.” Kasumi said, “Nice to meet you.”  
  
“Ah nice to meet you too. Husband and Co-wife of Shampoo, over!” The girl said, reaching into her cloak. “Windspeed set, seeds ready to go over!”  
  
“Why is she saying over so much?” Ranma asked.  
  
The girl pulled out two seed packets, “Now then…” She blew them into the air. “Ah, weather good, over!”  
  
“What are you doing?” Akane asked.  
  
“Saying hello!” The girl said brightly, “See you later, over!” She jumped the fence and ran off.  
  
“Well that was weird.” Ranma said.  
  
That’s when the clouds split into rain, in the second it took for Ranma, Akane, and Kasumi to pull out their umbrellas…  
  
 _EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!_  
  


* * *

  
  
“Nabiki!”  
  
Nabiki looked up from her comic. “Akane? What’s up?  
  
“It’s Ranma and Kasumi! We need to help them!” Akane shouted.  
  
“And why are you asking me about this?” Nabiki asked.  
  
“Who else am I going to get for help around here?” Akane said.  
  
Nabiki considered the other residents of the household. The pervert would try to feel them up, the panda would make fun of Ranma for being unable to get out of this himself, their father would weep over whatever terrible fate had befallen Kasumi. “OK good point. Is there any danger involved?”  
  
“They’re wrapped up in some weird plants.” Akane said.  
  
"Huh. I never took Ranma for that kind of boy, nor Kasumi for that kind of girl." Nabiki mused  
  
“Not that kind of plant!”  
  
Nabiki stared at her little sister for a moment. "I'm sorry, what kind of plant are you thinking about? Dildo Poaceae, perhaps? I was thinking they wrapped themselves up in regular creeper vines for some S&M foreplay, what the hell are you thinking about?"  
  
“Err… some kind of… drug plant...?" Akane said.  
  
“Oh wow, that would be funny. Can you imagine Ranma stoned?”  
  
“And what about Kasumi!?” Akane said.  
  
"You don't remember New Year two years back, do you?" Nabiki said, chuckling. “Anyways, if it’s not my idea and not yours, what is it?”  
  
Akane grabbed Nabiki by the arm, “Just come with me!”  
  


* * *

  
  
Covered by umbrellas, the groceries having been all carried home by Akane before grabbing Nabiki, Ranma and Kasumi were leaned up against the wall. Their eyes were swirling and around a half dozen of tiny plants shaped like people were clinging to them.  
  
“I tried to pull one off but it started making this noise that really made my head hurt so I decided to go get you.” Akane said, “You got any ideas?”  
  
Nabiki poked at one of the plants and watched it twitch and make a low whine that, sure enough, gave her a slight headache. “Well, we could see if earplugs work?”  
  
“Earplugs are definitely a good idea, over!” Akane and Nabki turned around to see…  
  
“You!” Akane said, “You’re the one who threw-”  
  
“Oh who could have thrown these mandragoras on this innocent girl who has nothing to do with Shampoo, over!” The chinese girl pushed earplugs into everybody’s ears, and tugged off the screeching mandragoras off Ranma and Kasumi, before pulling out a pot and mixing together a bunch of plants. Once the mandragoras were stuffed into a jar and a cork plugged over it she pulled out her earplugs. “Here’s cure to mandragora poison! Careful Miss!” She said, holding the pot over Ranma’s mouth.  
  
“What about KasumI!?” Akane said.  
  
The girl looked over at Kasumi, who had this weird grin on her face. “Why would I help this girl, over?”  
  
“Because you poisoned her too!” Akane shouted, clenching her fists. Oh yes she was five seconds from pounding this girl’s face in.  
  
“First off, no I did not, over. Second off, she deserves it being Shampoo’s co-wife, over.”  
  
Akane’s hands blurred, grabbing the antidote pot and pouring it down Kasumi’s throat. “Now you’ll have to cure Ranma too!”  
  
The girl sighed, “Fine.” She quickly mixed up another jar, shoving it into Ranma’s mouth. “Suppose that is just phase one of vengeance, over.”  
  
“Nnnnnnn ohhhh Akane?” Kasumi’s eyes fluttered open.  
  
“Are you OK?” Akane asked her older sister worryingly.”  
  
“Oh, yes. I feel… amazing...” Kasumi looked around, a goofy grin on her face. “Yes. Wonderful. Perfect . Wow, I haven’t felt this relaxed like that since New Years my second year...”  
  
“Ranma’s awake, blitzed out of his mind though.” Nabiki said.  
  
“Hey Nabiki! Have we gotten married yet or am I in your childhood! Oh! I know! This is the distant future, you’re actually our daughter!” Ranma said, his eyes glazed over.  
  
“Oh yes. Mandragoras give an insane high after you take the antidote, over.” The girl said, “Next time Shampoo’s Co-Wife and useless husband not get off so easy, over!” She threw down a pine cone that exploded into seeds and vanished like a smoke bomb.  
  
"Akane, we need to go back to the shops," Kasumi said. "I forgot to get snacks!"  
  
"Yay snacks!" Ranma raised her fist to the air. "Woo! What was I saying again?"  
  
Akane and Nabiki facepalmed in unison. “Well this is fantastic.” Akane said.  
  
“Look on the bright side, he’s not acting like a cat.” Nabiki said. “So this is all Shampoo’s fault I’m guessing?  
  
"What was your first clue?" Akane sarcastically asked her palm. Then Nabiki popped a business card in front of Akane's face. It read 'Shampoo's Nemesis' and had a picture of that girl's mirrored profile as its background logo. "I mean, can you really make money from being someone's nemesis? Why would she print up a business card for that?"  
  
“She could be a very polite nemesis.” Nabiki said, “So anyways, let’s get Ranma and Kasumi home, get out the emergency snack supplies for them and then go tell Shampoo to fix her own problems.”  
  
“Woo! Snacks!”  
  
"Now Ranma, it's a rookie mistake to eat your snacks all in one go. You'll notice that time is playing hide and seek, so if you eat all your snacks now then you won't have any when you start to come down."  
  
“Ahhhh…” Ranma said in awe of Kasumi’s wisdom. Then, suddenly, her eyes widened, “Wait… you’re just trying to hog the snacks!”  
  
  
"No, Ranma! Do not listen to the sweet sounding paranoia of time!"  
  
Akane picked up her fiance and elder sister, slinging both over her shoulders. “Note to self, never let either of these two get ahold of drugs.”  
  
  
"As if you could stop either one of them." Nabiki said.  
  


* * *

  
  
“Hmm? Girl with plants?” Shampoo said, sitting across from the two sisters "Noooo, Shampoo not ever hear of stupid stupid girl who say over a lot and use plants for stupid stupid reasons."  
  
Nabiki and Akane didn’t dignify that denial with a response.  
  
"Shampoo certainly never beat up a girl like that when she little." She said, "Though she be totally justified if did."  
  
“In other words this is a kid you beat up as a kid and now she’s out for revenge.” Akane said.  
  
“Toilet-Wife forgetting place.” Shampoo said, not really caring that Akane’s hands cracked her table. Shampoo ducked under the table, lifted out a brand new toilet brush and offered it to Akane. "Here. This make Akane feel useful."  
  
Nabiki made a mental note to ask about this later, when Akane was out of ear-shot and kick range.  
  
“Shampoo! Ranma is completely drugged out of his mind thanks to your little enemy so I’d appreciate it if you took it a bit-”  
  
“Akkaannnneeeeee.”  
  
Akane looked up, Ranma hanging from the ceiling, his eyes bloodshot red . “Ranma! We tucked you and Kasumi into bed!”  
  
“Time stole our snacks!”  
  
"You mean you ate them all!"  
  
"If I ate them all I would be full! Make me cookies! Please?"  
  
Shampoo gasped. "What Shampoo do... This all Shampoo fault! Plant make airen suicidal!"  
  
Akane grabbed the toilet brush and attempted to whap Shampoo on the head with it. Unfortunately the warrior girl was far too fast for that kind of attack to work.  
  
It was at this point Cologne poked her head into the room, “Why is Son-in-law hanging from the ceiling like that?”  
  
“Some friends of Shampoo got him high on mandragora juice.” Nabiki said.  
  
Cologne **immediately** fell off her staff laughing. Then she hopped over to a drawer, pulled out a lava lamp, plugged it in and tapped it until Ranma looked at it.  
  
"Woooooah!" Ranma dropped from the ceiling and knelt before the lava lamp. "This is what reality is, man!”  
  
"That ought to keep him out of trouble. So long as he does not try to drink it." Cologne said, “Anyways, Shampoo, it sounds like Pink and Link are in town.”  
  
“Pink… and Link?” Akane asked.  
  
“Yes. Twin sisters from a village near our own. Expert herbalists.” Cologne said, “Well, I’m sure you’ve all heard the stories about the Evil Twin and Good Twins right?”  
  
“Yes…?” Nabiki said.  
  
“Well, yes, Pink is the Evil Twin. She’ll always use her herbal knowledge to pull pranks on people. Link then shows up and heals the person who Pink pranked.” Cologne chuckled.  
  
“Shampoo get pranked by girl, get healed by girl then. So Shampoo beat girl up. Shampoo then get pranked again, once girl heal Shampoo she beat girl up.”  
  
“Wait, that means that you’re beating up the girl who’s helping you.” Nabiki said, “Pink poisons you, then when Link tries to help you she gets rewarded by getting beat up.”  
  
Shampoo shrugged, “They look same, so both deserve punishment.”  
  
Akane boggled at this girl who had been a perpetual nuisance in her life. Then performed the slowest facepalm in recorded history.  
  
Then Ranma began trying to drink from the lava lamp, prompting panic.  
  


* * *

  
  
“I found them, over.” Pink said.  
  
“Great job, over!” Link said.  
  
The two twin sisters peered over to the Cat Cafe, there lay their hated foe. “I’m ready, over.” Pink said, holding up her red flower. “The Poisonous Male Flower of Anger, over.”  
  
Link held up her black one, “The Medicinal Female Flower of Devotion, over.”  
  
“Combined, they create the Flower of the Perfect Husband, over!” It would soon drive Shampoo away from Ranma, breaking her heart and bringing about their revenge!

* * *

"Ranma, no! Lava lamps are not for drinking!" Akane yelled, grabbing onto Ranma's arm with both hands and trying in vain to pull him away from it.  
  
"But Akane! If I drink this then I'll, you know, understand _everything_!" Ranma whined. "The nature of time and space and where it put my snacks!”  
  
Akane groaned and shot a glance back to Shampoo, who was idly playing video games and completely ignoring the situation. That girl! No sense of empathy about her at all! Leaving it all to Akane to deal with.  
  
"You could help out!" she yelled across the room.  
  
"No need," Shampoo answered. "He kind of high that get distracted super easy."  
  
"Woah!" Ranma suddenly stopped struggling. "Did you know about these hand things? Look at the way the fingers move, they're like little wiggling worms. Hehehe."  
  
"See? Is nothing to worry about. Kitchen wrecker need to calm tits, is nothing to worry about."  
  
The room became silent, the air became still. The only sound was that of a stoner joke getting old fast. After a moment Cologne coughed.  
  
"How strange," the old woman said. "Usually a comment like that would be the cue for something wild and zany to happen."  
  
Which is when there was a knock at the door. Nabiki, standing next to it, opened it wide and was quickly pushed aside by a rather oversized leaf. "If that got sprained you're paying for my medical bill!" she warned.  
  
Akane gasped and instinctively stepped in front of her blitzed fiance, adopting a battle position and waiting for the twins to pop their heads in. Whatever tricks they had up their sleeves wouldn't work on her. Shampoo was taking this seriously as well - or at least that was Akane's impression until Shampoo hip bumped her out of the way.  
  
"Clumsy toilet girl get airen hurt! Let Shampoo protect. Go scrub bowl."  
  
"You really think this is the time for this?" Akane yelled.  
  
"Wind condition, set!"  
  
"Moisture level, set!"  
  
"Silly weak girl not used to plant tricks. Only get in way."  
  
"Uh, Pink? I don't think they are paying us any attention, over!"  
  
"Ooh! You're just using this as a chance to get close to Ranma!"  
  
"You're right Link, over! Let's just sneak on by them and plant the flower, over!"  
  
Cue Akane and Shampoo bickering over how they would deal with the twins, while said twins blatantly waltzed into the cafe. Nabiki and Cologne looked at this scene with abject disbelief, with Cologne producing a bag of popcorn from a hidden drawer, offering a handful to Nabiki as well.  
  
"And another thing!" Akane yelled. "The way that you blatantly throw yourself at him is obviously turning him off, because you're embarrassing him in - Wait, I think we got really badly off topic. What were we arguing about again?"  
  
“Shampoo think it something about how much better wife Shampoo be than Akane.” Shampoo said. "Is probably not important, since that too too obvious."  
  
Plink. The twins dropped a flower on Ranma’s head. “Behold, Shampoo!” Link said. "The flower of the Perfect Husband! Your marriage is over!”  
  
Now, one thing that needs to be made clear (and would be later made clear to Ranma) is the differences in gender roles. Men’s scarcity meant that the role they most often fulfilled was the caretaker of the home. But the way the stereotypical house husband worked is different compared to the reality Ranma comes from. Namely, a husband was supposed to obey his wives completely… while also being willing to fight off any threats to his wives. In short, Men are expected to be Bodyguard/Servant combos.  
  
"Wait, I thought we were going to put that on Shampoo..." Pink said. "Never mind! Husband, protect your wives!"  
  
"Sure thing Akane!" Ranma said with a hint of a wistful sigh. "Anything for the one I love!"  
  
Shampoo growled, “What going on!?”  
  
“Oh? It’s our own special blend, over!” Link said, holding her hand over her mouth as she laughed. “Behold! With the combined power of the Poisonous Male Flower of Anger and the Medicinal Female Flower of Devotion, we have made the Flower of the Perfect Husband! He’ll love and obey the first few women he sees, and violently protect us from any threat, over!”  
  
“So why did we put it on Shampoo’s husband, over?” Pink asked.  
  
"I mean, look at him. He's way cuter than I was expecting! Aren't you Ranma?"  
  
“I am super hot, thanks for noticing Nabiki! Just like your lovely legs and your butt and your waist...”  
  
So Nabiki was choking on a kernel of popcorn, getting her back slapped by Cologne at this point while Akane was blushing like a maniac and Shampoo was shooting daggers from her eyes at both of the sisters. Not entirely the most conducive mood to putting a stop to the twins and their antics.  
  
"I don't know, this seems less productive, over!" Pink complained  
  
"It'll split them up!" Link hissed. "Toilet girl! Why not join us instead? You'll still be married to him, but you won't have to clean toilets anymore! We have plants for that!"  
  
"Wh-Who wants to get into that kind of relationship with a stoner like him!"  
  
"Aw, don't be like that Akane! You're so much cuter when you smile. Unlike Nabiki, whose smile chills and arouses at the same time. You're both so pretty!"  
  
He was actually saying that to Pink even though Akane was the one that said it. This, needless to say, sat about as well with Akane as her cupcakes sat in Ranma's stomach. Like a heavy rock you'd give anything to dislodge, and why did you eat it in the first place. Nonetheless! She leaped forward to grab the twin by the scruff of the neck - only to find Ranma in her way.  
  
"Hey Akane, I'm not going to let you hurt Akane!" Ranma said, holding back her fist. "Actually, seeing you fight yourself would be kinda hot."  
  
"Ahem! What about see Shampoo fight self! That be too too smouldering!" Shampoo protested. "Stupid Pink! Stupid Link! Make him horny for Tendo girls instead of Shampoo!"  
  
Said Tendo girls were starting to feel an itch to find a hole to crawl into and die right about now. For Akane, it was one thing fooling around with him but quite another for it to be a publically known thing! For Nabiki, she had no idea Ranma was attracted to her like that and it was stirring up some rather odd feelings in the Ice Queen. Feelings that would, a few weeks later in the sane linear timeline that most of the world followed lead to her frenching him after an incident with some evil dolls. But it had already happened to Ranma and was a big cornerstone of attraction he felt towards her. Time travel is difficult.  
  
"Old ghoul, I got those rare mushrooms you were after!" Mousse called, striding in from the kitchen. "They weren't easy to find either because someone covered my glasses with soap!" It should be noted that his glasses were sitting on top of his head, soap free.”  
  
This was rather poor timing on his part. Because this triggered the other main quality of the Flower of the Perfect Husband. An overprotectiveness that, quite frankly, calls into question the 'perfectness' of the husband ideal for their society.  
  
"Man!" Ranma yelled, and immediately punched Mousse in the face. This action made Shampoo pause because it seemed totally and completely reasonable, rational and expected from her point of view. "Man! Man! Man! Stay away from my wives! Hsssss!"  
  
"Huh? What I do this time?" Mousse asked. In answer, Ranma grabbed hold of an orange and stuffed it into his mouth, then began to enact violence upon him that could, at best, be described as slapstick and ridiculous.  
  
"This seems like a good time to make our exit," Pink observed. "Over!"  
  
"I agree, over!" Link yelled, lifting a pinecone above her head. "Come, husband! Stop laying into that loser and lay us instead!" The twin shuddered in anticipation then hurled the pinecone into the ground, releasing multi-coloured smoke that totally filled the room. "Over!"  
  
"Ah! I can't see anything!" Mousse yelled.  
  
"And that is different from usual how?!" Akane yelled back. "Hey! Shampoo's over there you blind idiot!"  
  
After a moment the smoke began to billow away. It turned out that Nabiki had put on an electric fan, while Cologne had cracked open a window. As could be expected there was no sign at all of any of the three of them. Pink, Link and Ranma had all disappeared.  
  
"Usually a comment like that would be the cue for something wild and zany to happen," Nabiki said, repeating Cologne's earlier comment back to her. "Huh. As though you were trying to make that happen. Strange how you sat out of it when you could have ended it within a minute."  
  
"Ten seconds tops," Cologne corrected ,poking Nabiki on the forehead and compelling her to perform a ten point backwards cartwheel that she didn't even know she could do. "And I did not interfere because it plays to my advantage. Instead of trying to peel off one of you sisters, I can have Shampoo added to the twin's claim over him."  
  
“Mind control flowers don’t count as claims!” Akane shouted.  
  
Shampoo coughed, pulled out the rulebook for the Joketsuzoku, flipped to a certain page and thrust it in Akane's face.  
  
"Huh... Your village is a pervert's paradise. You know that?"  
  
Nabiki peered over her shoulder. "Every third Tuesday of the month, all men in the village must attend spanking duty to ensure proper punishment of captured outsider women..."  
  
“That law hasn’t been enforced for a hundred years.” Cologne said.  
  
"We have to get after them!" Akane yelled. "Ranma... those twisted sisters! Who knows what sort of things they might do to him!"  
  
She could see it now so clearly in her mind. Ranma Saotome, male form. Bound by vines to a giant leaf. Two giant flowers descend upon him, then open up to reveal the twins. Naked from head to toe and thoroughly unashamed of their beauty.  
  
"Arousal level: High!" Pink would say, blowing pollen out of her hand that settled over Ranma's face. His penis would grow tall and erect, the way that it did when Kasumi did that thing with the tassles and the egg whisks.  
  
"Moisture ratio: Intense!" Link would continue. Her fingers would reach in between her legs and come back drenched. Then she would smear the liquid over her own breasts.  
  
Then as one the two sisters would stalk towards the leaf bed as Ranma grinned gormlessly. "Over! Over! Over!" they would chant in unison, strutting forward with a seductive gait. Hands confidently on hips, shoulders and hips rolling with each step. Then their hands would reach out, grab hold of Ranma's shaft. Intertwining their hands. Then their faces lean in, tongues sticking out. "Over!" they whisper, and run their tongues around his shaft's head -  
  
"That's ours!" Akane yelped quite loudly, prompting confused looks from everyone else. "I mean, poor Ranma! Being mind controlled into taking part in a threesome with two sexy exotic twins who know all about herbs and medicine and probably know ways to satisfy a man that..."  
  
She trailed off a bit at that point and started twiddling her thumbs. Actually, she was imagining that same scene with herself in Ranma's place, and the two of them licking rather elsewhere at the end of it. It was horrible. Completely horrible. The very idea of being put in that position, why it was utterly perverse and dirty!  
  
"Shampoo not happy with this! Shampoo be one to take airen's virginity!"  
  
Meanwhile back at the Tendo house, Kasumi started laughing hard enough to roll around on the floor with tears streaming from her eyes. For no seeming reason that she could tell. It was for the best really. If she had heard Shampoo's proclamation, she might have pulled a muscle or three.  
  
"If Shampoo need to work with toilet girl and mercenary, then that fine with Shampoo!"  
  
"Very well Shampoo, if that is what you wish," Cologne shrugged. "But first, I suggest that the two of you come up with a plan. Those twins have had a long time to think through their revenge and hone their craft. I'm certain that you will find them a prepared, cunning and difficult to deal with duo. If you want to confound them then you shall need a plan of your own to deal with them."  
  
"Not to mention that they could be hiding anywhere," Nabiki observed. "Tracking them down won't be easy."  
  


* * *

  
  
Nobody really questioned the sudden appearance of a giant pillar of vines and flowers appearing in Furinkan High. Most assumed the Principal had thought up a new education program. It really wasn't out of character for him to do something like that, though most did think it a little peculiar they weren't palm trees.  
  
Of course that assumption was completely incorrect. Within this fortress of vines and hostile plantlife there were two twins frantically hurrying around and a bed made of flowers atop which lay the reclining figure of Ranma Saotome.  
  
"Camera?"  
  
"Check!"  
  
"Plants automatically set to act as security?"  
  
"Check!"  
  
"Plant themed lingerie?"  
  
The twins both turned around in contrary directions. Pink had selected a set of lingerie that looked like vines wrapped around her body, covering up her most intimate areas. Link had gone for a floral pattern that made her look like a walking upright garden. These twins weren't quite as curvaceous as Shampoo, tending towards a more slender look. As such their lingerie was designed to draw the eye away from the bust and more towards their legs, hips and waists.  
  
Having said that they were on the verge of working out a bust enhancement remedy. In fact, they'd been working on it when the newspaper had come in about Shampoo's betrothment! Now that they were thinking about it both of them were kicking themselves for not making use of it to really rub Shampoo's face in it. Uh, their revenge that is to say. Not their enhanced boobs.  
  
"Check!" both said in unison. "And hot Ranma dick -"  
  
Was not a check. Both girls looked over at the bed of flowers in total disbelief. The handsome studly man that they had brainwashed and kidnapped for a night of debauchery had completely vanished, and in her place there was a kind of cute chick wearing the same clothes, with the same hairstyle and facial features that looked pretty darn similar if you look at them really closely. Also, there was a tipped over watering can next to her, but the twins didn't much care about that right now.  
  
"Where's the dick?!" Link yelled. "Dick! Dick! Come back here dick! It's been so long, I don't want to have to wait any longer, over!"  
  
"Link, calm down! Over!" Pink yelled, spinning her twin around and slapping some sense back into her. "Look! That girl is wearing the Flower of the Perfect Husband, over! That means she'll be completely subservient to us and any other woman, over!"  
  
That was true enough. The twins calmed down and turned towards the transgressor, who was giggling over a caterpillar crawling across a blade of grass. And so, without any of them being any the wiser, the three of them set about constructing a routine that Abbott and Costello would probably sigh wearily at.  
  
"Where is Ranma?" the twins asked.  
  
"Right here," the girl answered.  
  
The twins looked at one another in confusion. "Get off that bed!" Pink commanded. The girl did so happily. "Take us to Ranma!"  
  
Cue a merry jaunt through the artificial jungle created by the twins as the girl skipped and frolicked carefree and in a giant circle back towards the bed, which the girl flopped onto and stared at the twins expectantly.  
  
"Well?" Link asked.  
  
"Well what?"  
  
"Where is Ranma!"  
  
"In front of you!"  
  
"Then show us him!"  
  
The girl thought that over for a moment. "Can I have some hot water?"  
  
"After you show us Ranma!"  
  
"Ranma's here!" the girl waved. The twins looked behind themselves, expecting to see Ranma there. He wasn't. "Can I have some hot water please?"  
  
"I don't see Ranma anywhere!"  
  
"Oh! Do you have trouble with your eyesight?"  
  
"My eyesight is just fine! Ugh! Let's try this way, over! What direction would I need to walk in to reach Ranma!"  
  
After a moment Ranma pointed in the same direction the twins were facing.  
  
"Is Ranma still in our garden?"  
  
"Definitely!"  
  
Finally, something dawned onto Link. “Is your name Ranma, over?”  
  
"Yep!"  
  
The twins both facepalmed at once. "Of course! Our boy Ranma was kidnapped and replaced by a girl with the same name! No wonder you are wearing the same clothes and have the same hairstyle, this was a brilliant confusion strategy!"  
  
"Whatever you say Akane! I like the lingerie, by the way."  
  
"Okay! Show us boy Ranma!" Pink yelled, ignoring that remark for now.  
  
"Can I have some hot water?"  
  
"Ugh, with this again! Not until you show us Ranma!"  
  
"I'm here!"  
  
"I meant boy form Ranma! Show us the male Ranma!"  
  
"Can I have some hot water?" all three of them said at once, two of them with a lot more frustration than the other.  
  
"Fine! Then go and bring him here yourself!" Pink seethed in frustration.  
  
"Yes, bring him here and then go away, leave us alone, don't come back!"  
  
"Okay doke!" girl Ranma said. She saluted them both, rolled off the bed and then skipped away gaily into the garden.  
  


* * *

  
  
“Ranma!” Kasumi said, sitting at the table watching old cartoon reruns, “You came back! Did you bring more snacks?”  
  
“No!” Ranma said, heating up a tea kettle. “Akane and Nabiki told me to turn into a guy, leave school and never go back there.”  
  
“Oh that’s not right! Education is important, I’ll have to give them both a good talking to.”  
  
The two promptly forgot the conversation when Doremon pulled a bomb out on TV.


End file.
